John Pilger's wishful thinking for 2009

The good news for the new year is as follows, month-by-month.

January: Tony Blair is arrested at Heathrow Airport as he returns from yet another foreign speaking engagement (receipts since leaving office: £12m). He is flown to The Hague to stand trial for war crimes for his part in the illegal, unprovoked attack on a defenceless country, Iraq, justified by proven lies, and for the subsequent physical, social and cultural destruction of that country, causing the death of up to a million people. According to the Nuremberg Tribunal, this is the "paramount war crime". The prosecution tells Blair's defence team it will not accept a plea of "sincerely believing". Cherie Blair, a close collaborator who has compared her husband with Winston Churchill, is cautioned.

February: Following the inauguration of Barack Obama as president of the United States, his predecessor, George W Bush, is arrested leaving the Church of the Holy Crusader in his home town of Crawford, Texas. He is flown to The Hague in War Criminal One. (See above for prosecution details.) Laura Bush, after a plea bargain, agrees to give evidence against the former president, "for God's sake".

March: Former vice-president Dick Cheney shoots himself in the foot hunting squirrels following a prayer breakfast in Hope, Florida.

April: Aung San Suu Kyi is released from house arrest and assumes her rightful place as the democratic head of the government of Burma.

May: All American and British troops leave Iraq, including the "300-400" British troops who are to stay behind to "train Iraqis" and do the kind of special forces dirty work almost never reported by embedded journalists.

June: All Nato troops leave Afghanistan.

July: The British government calls a halt to selling arms and military equipment to ten out of 14 conflict-hit countries in Africa. The chairman of the arms company BAE Systems is arrested by the Serious Fraud Office.

August: The British Department for International Development ends its support for privatisation as a condition of aid to the poorest countries.

September: Sir Bob Geldof and Bono visit Tony Blair in prison, suggesting a worldwide Crime Aid gig to raise money for their hero's defence.

October: The Booker prizewinner Anne Enright apologises to Gerry and Kate McCann, parents of the missing child Madeleine McCann, for speculating in the London Review of Books about the possible involvement of the McCanns in the disappearance of their daughter.

November: Gordon Brown is kidnapped, hooded and forced to listen repeatedly to his 2007 speech to bankers at a Mansion House banquet: "What you as the City of London have achieved for financial services, we as a government now aspire to achieve for the whole economy."

December: Tony Blair is sentenced to life imprisonment and beatified by the Pope.

If you think none of this will happen, you are probably right. But beware 2010 . . .

John Pilger, renowned investigative journalist and documentary film-maker, is one of only two to have twice won British journalism's top award; his documentaries have won academy awards in both the UK and the US. In a New Statesman survey of the 50 heroes of our time, Pilger came fourth behind Aung San Suu Kyi and Nelson Mandela. "John Pilger," wrote Harold Pinter, "unearths, with steely attention facts, the filthy truth. I salute him."

This article first appeared in the 22 December 2008 issue of the New Statesman, Christmas and New Year special

Know Your Meme / New Statesman
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Living the Meme: what life is like for the internet famous

A series of articles exploring what happens to people after they go viral.

Memes are many things to many people. They are screenshots, videos, pictures, cartoons, sayings, catchphrases and, most importantly, dogs. 

But more often than not, there is a real human being behind each of the memes we come to know and love. How does it feel to have your face unwittingly thrust in the limelight, available online for all to see? How do children who go viral online feel as they grow up? When does the internet fame end and normal life resume? Just how much money can a meme make anyway?

"Living the Meme" is a series of articles in which I interview the stars of viral images and videos to find out the answers to these questions, and more. 

Check out the individual stories here:

What happened to Azeem's flute recital?

In 2015, over 100,000 Britons RSVP'd to a University of California student's flute recital. One year later, he discusses how life has - and hasn't - changed. 

What happened to One Pound Fish man?

Muhammad Shahid Nazir Ahmad appeared on The X Factor after his song about "very, very nice" fish went viral. But are rumours of his deportation true?

What happened to that guy who filmed a double rainbow?

"What does it mean?" asked Paul Vasquez when he filmed a double rainbow in the sky. Seven years later, he's still asking the same question. 

What happened to David after David After the Dentist?

How does going viral aged seven affect you as you become a teenager? David DeVore explains.

What happened to Success Kid?

Nine years after his baby picture became a meme, Sammy Griner says he wants to be known for more than just the photo.

What happened to the Ermahgerd girl?

Maggie Goldenberger reveals that she is not the Ermahgerd girl - not really. 

To suggest an interviewee for Living the Meme, contact Amelia on Twitter.

Amelia Tait is a technology and digital culture writer at the New Statesman.