Is the Acer ad sexist?

The ADgenda: this week's most offensive advert.

Ad execs think in statements. Preferably four word punchy sentences, all in capitals. This thought process often leaves subtlety out in the cold, and tricksy terms like gender stereotyping are gleefully discarded, no doubt because they dilute the message and block that crucial blue sky thinking. So, having ditched those pesky complexities of real life at the way side, the execs set about planning the new Acer ad. A point-by-point summary of the strategy meeting follows:

1) Laptops are functional, practical and useful

2) Therefore, laptops are for men. Women don't like laptops

3) How can we make women like laptops?

4) By giving laptops a really feminine and pretty image

5) How?

6) By getting that Megan Fox lass, you know, the one famed for her acting talent the world over showcased inTransformers 1,2,3, etc

6) Yeah! But wait, isn't she mostly popular with drooling young men?

7) True, but she is really really girly, so let's get her to appeal to girls even more and pretend she can speak to dolphins

8) Eeeeeeeeeee! That is SO sweet!

If you thought the end result was crass enough, Fujitsu  Japan clearly didn't agree and decided to go one step further by unveiling the Floral Kiss - a laptop designed specifically for women. The Floral Kiss has a specially designed lid so there's no danger of chipping your perfectly manicured nails, a 'Feminine pink' colour scheme and most importantly - your daily horoscope loaded and ready to be accessed at the touch of a no doubt perfume-scented button. What's that I hear? Ah, it's the dull thump of palms smacking foreheads across the nation.

An Acer laptop. Photograph: Getty Images
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An alternative Trainspotting script for John Humphrys’ Radio 4 “Choose Life” tribute

Born chippy.

Your mole often has Radio 4’s Today programme babbling away comfortingly in the background while emerging blinking from the burrow. So imagine its horror this morning, when the BBC decided to sully this listening experience with John Humphrys doing the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Radio 4?” he concluded, as a nation cringed.

Introduced as someone who has “taken issue with modernity”, Humphrys launched into the film character Renton’s iconic rant against the banality of modern life.

But Humphrys’ role as in-studio curmudgeon is neither endearing nor amusing to this mole. Often tasked with stories about modern technology and digital culture by supposedly mischievous editors, Humphrys sounds increasingly cranky and ill-informed. It doesn’t exactly make for enlightening interviews. So your mole has tampered with the script. Here’s what he should have said:

“Choose life. Choose a job and then never retire, ever. Choose a career defined by growling and scoffing. Choose crashing the pips three mornings out of five. Choose a fucking long contract. Choose interrupting your co-hosts, politicians, religious leaders and children. Choose sitting across the desk from Justin Webb at 7.20 wondering what you’re doing with your life. Choose confusion about why Thought for the Day is still a thing. Choose hogging political interviews. Choose anxiety about whether Jim Naughtie’s departure means there’s dwindling demand for grouchy old men on flagship political radio shows. Choose a staunch commitment to misunderstanding stories about video games and emoji. Choose doing those stories anyway. Choose turning on the radio and wondering why the fuck you aren’t on on a Sunday morning as well. Choose sitting on that black leather chair hosting mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows (Mastermind). Choose going over time at the end of it all, pishing your last few seconds on needlessly combative questions, nothing more than an obstacle to that day’s editors being credited. Choose your future. Choose life . . .”

I'm a mole, innit.