PMQs review: Cameron’s sharp tongue runs wild

The Prime Minister launches attack after attack on Ed Miliband and Ed Balls.

David Cameron's new strategy director, Andrew Cooper, recently advised him to be "a national leader, rather than a party politician. Especially in the Commons." On the basis of today's PMQs, Cameron appears to have rejected that advice. He denounced Ed Miliband's weekend reference to the suffragettes as "nonsense", told one Labour MP: "I've no idea who you are", and described Ed Balls as "the most annoying person in modern politics".

Labour's Keynesian Rottweiler will have enjoyed that attack. It confirms that he has an unrivalled ability to infuriate the Tories.

The personal gibes began early on. After Cameron wished Miliband and his new fiancée a "long and happy life together", the Labour leader replied that he would ask the PM for "advice on stag nights", because he knows "how to organise a good one". To which the sharp-tongued Cameron responded, "When I was leader of the opposition I would have given anything for a honeymoon . . . he probably wishes he had, too."

The exchanges were memorable enough to overshadow some sharp questions from Miliband on tuition fees and police cuts.

Cameron was unable to tell the House how many universities so far plan to charge £9,000 a year (the answer is 18) and appeared not to know whether student numbers would be cut as a result of the £1bn black hole.

Instead, he made the irrelevant point that institutions will only be allowed to charge £9,000 if the Office for Fair Access approves. He shamelessly dodged the funding question.

Miliband also had the better of the exchanges on police cuts, with Cameron merely stating that there was "no reason why" there should be few officers. The PM in effect passed the buck and said that police numbers would not fall if local forces made greater efficiency savings. Cameron only managed to get the upper hand when he referred to the "ridiculous spectacle" of the Labour leader "marching against the cuts that his party caused".

It's also worth noting Cameron's comments on NHS funding. When the Labour MP Chris Leslie pointed out that higher inflation means the coalition is close to breaking its pledge to protect the health budget, Cameron simply replied: "We said we would increase health spending in real terms – and we will." In other words, spending will be raised to compensate for higher inflation. This is one promise that the PM intends to keep.

UPDATE: You can now watch footage of the Balls-Cameron clash above. (Hat-tip: Liar Politicians)

George Eaton is political editor of the New Statesman.

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For the first time in my life I have a sworn enemy – and I don’t even know her name

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

Last month, I made an enemy. I do not say this lightly, and I certainly don’t say it with pride, as a more aggressive male might. Throughout my life I have avoided confrontation with a scrupulousness that an unkind observer would call out-and-out cowardice. A waiter could bring the wrong order, cold and crawling with maggots, and in response to “How is everything?” I’d still manage a grin and a “lovely, thanks”.

On the Underground, I’m so wary of being a bad citizen that I often give up my seat to people who aren’t pregnant, aren’t significantly older than me, and in some cases are far better equipped to stand than I am. If there’s one thing I am not, it’s any sort of provocateur. And yet now this: a feud.

And I don’t even know my enemy’s name.

She was on a bike when I accidentally entered her life. I was pushing a buggy and I wandered – rashly, in her view – into her path. There’s little doubt that I was to blame: walking on the road while in charge of a minor is not something encouraged by the Highway Code. In my defence, it was a quiet, suburban street; the cyclist was the only vehicle of any kind; and I was half a street’s length away from physically colliding with her. It was the misjudgment of a sleep-deprived parent rather than an act of malice.

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

I was stung by what someone on The Apprentice might refer to as her negative feedback, and walked on with a redoubled sense of the parental inadequacy that is my default state even at the best of times.

A sad little incident, but a one-off, you would think. Only a week later, though, I was walking in a different part of town, this time without the toddler and engrossed in my phone. Again, I accept my culpability in crossing the road without paying due attention; again, I have to point out that it was only a “close shave” in the sense that meteorites are sometimes reported to have “narrowly missed crashing into the Earth” by 50,000 miles. It might have merited, at worst, a reproving ting of the bell. Instead came a familiar voice. “IT’S YOU AGAIN!” she yelled, wrathfully.

This time the shock brought a retort out of me, probably the harshest thing I have ever shouted at a stranger: “WHY ARE YOU SO UNPLEASANT?”

None of this is X-rated stuff, but it adds up to what I can only call a vendetta – something I never expected to pick up on the way to Waitrose. So I am writing this, as much as anything, in the spirit of rapprochement. I really believe that our third meeting, whenever it comes, can be a much happier affair. People can change. Who knows: maybe I’ll even be walking on the pavement

Mark Watson is a stand-up comedian and novelist. His most recent book, Crap at the Environment, follows his own efforts to halve his carbon footprint over one year.

This article first appeared in the 20 October 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Brothers in blood