Election 2010 Lookahead: Tuesday 4 May

The who, when and where of the campaign.

With two days to go, here is what is happening on the campaign trail today:

Labour

A quiet day for Labour -- though an interview with Alistair Darling was broadcast early this morning (see below).

 

Conservatives

David Cameron will begin a 24-hour campaign through to Wednesday today, travelling throughout the night to meet fishermen, bakers and florists working early mornings.

 

Liberal Democrats

Nick Clegg will host a press conference at the Work Foundation in London early this morning (7.30am).

 

The media

Continuing with its themed election debates, BBC2's The Daily Politics: 2010 Election Debates will feature a live debate on immigration policy between Phil Woolas for Labour, Damian Green for the Conservatives, Tom Brake for the Lib Dems and Lord Pearson for Ukip. Andrew Neil and the BBC's home editor, Mark Easton, will be asking the questions (2.15pm).

BBC1 Northern Ireland and BBC Parliament will broadcast The NI Leaders' Debate, with the leaders of Northern Ireland's four main political parties facing questions from a studio audience (9pm). Over on ITV1, Campaign 2010 with Jonathan Dimbleby will discuss the most recent election events (10.35pm). If you're extra keen, you can also check out BBC News Channel's Straight Talk on iPlayer (broadcast at 3.30am today), in which Andrew Neil interviews Alistair Darling.

 

Away from the campaign

OK, so technically this one is still about the election . . . A trio of new crisp flavours reflecting the public's view of the three main political parties is to go on sale at Selfridges today ahead of the general election. Flavours are based on a poll asking members of the public which tastes they most associate with each party. New flavours are Cameron Crunchies" (Eton Mess), Gourmet Gordons (scotch egg and brown sauce) and Clegg's Cocktail (hummus and roast vegetables).

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If there’s no booze or naked women, what’s the point of being a footballer?

Peter Crouch came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

At a professional league ground near you, the following conversation will be taking place. After an excellent morning training session, in which the players all worked hard, and didn’t wind up the assistant coach they all hate, or cut the crotch out of the new trousers belonging to the reserve goalie, the captain or some senior player will go into the manager’s office.

“Hi, gaffer. Just thought I’d let you know that we’ve booked the Salvation Hall. They’ll leave the table-tennis tables in place, so we’ll probably have a few games, as it’s the players’ Christmas party, OK?”

“FECKING CHRISTMAS PARTY!? I TOLD YOU NO CHRISTMAS PARTIES THIS YEAR. NOT AFTER LAST YEAR. GERROUT . . .”

So the captain has to cancel the booking – which was actually at the Salvation Go Go Gentlemen’s Club on the high street, plus the Saucy Sporty Strippers, who specialise in naked table tennis.

One of the attractions for youths, when they dream of being a footballer or a pop star, is not just imagining themselves number one in the Prem or number one in the hit parade, but all the girls who’ll be clambering for them. Young, thrusting politicians have similar fantasies. Alas, it doesn’t always work out.

Today, we have all these foreign managers and foreign players coming here, not pinching our women (they’re too busy for that), but bringing foreign customs about diet and drink and no sex at half-time. Rotters, ruining the simple pleasures of our brave British lads which they’ve enjoyed for over a century.

The tabloids recently went all pious when poor old Wayne Rooney was seen standing around drinking till the early hours at the England team hotel after their win over Scotland. He’d apparently been invited to a wedding that happened to be going on there. What I can’t understand is: why join a wedding party for total strangers? Nothing more boring than someone else’s wedding. Why didn’t he stay in the bar and get smashed?

Even odder was the behaviour of two other England stars, Adam Lallana and Jordan Henderson. They made a 220-mile round trip from their hotel in Hertfordshire to visit a strip club, For Your Eyes Only, in Bournemouth. Bournemouth! Don’t they have naked women in Herts? I thought one of the points of having all these millions – and a vast office staff employed by your agent – is that anything you want gets fixed for you. Why couldn’t dancing girls have been shuttled into another hotel down the road? Or even to the lads’ own hotel, dressed as French maids?

In the years when I travelled with the Spurs team, it was quite common in provincial towns, after a Saturday game, for players to pick up girls at a local club and share them out.

Like top pop stars, top clubs have fixers who can sort out most problems, and pleasures, as well as smart solicitors and willing police superintendents to clear up the mess afterwards.

The England players had a night off, so they weren’t breaking any rules, even though they were going to play Spain 48 hours later. It sounds like off-the-cuff, spontaneous, home-made fun. In Wayne’s case, he probably thought he was doing good, being approachable, as England captain.

Quite why the other two went to Bournemouth was eventually revealed by one of the tabloids. It is Lallana’s home town. He obviously said to Jordan Henderson, “Hey Hendo, I know a cool club. They always look after me. Quick, jump into my Bentley . . .”

They spent only two hours at the club. Henderson drank water. Lallana had a beer. Don’t call that much of a night out.

In the days of Jimmy Greaves, Tony Adams, Roy Keane, or Gazza in his pomp, they’d have been paralytic. It was common for players to arrive for training still drunk, not having been to bed.

Peter Crouch, the former England player, 6ft 7in, now on the fringes at Stoke, came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 01 December 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Age of outrage