Election 2010 Lookahead: Wednesday 5 May

The who, when and where of the campaign.

With one day to go, here is what is happening on the campaign trail:

Labour

Gordon Brown will visit 13 constituencies on the eve of the election, covering London, north Wales, the north-west and Yorkshire, before heading up to his home seat of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, where he will remain on polling day.

 

Conservatives

David Cameron will continue his 24-hour campaign tour of the UK, meeting people working night shifts and early mornings, such as bakers and florists. Earlier today he was at Darwen (12.45am), Wakefield (3.15am) and Grimsby (5.30am), and will later visit Calverton (9.15am), Dudley (11.45am) and Montgomeryshire (2.30pm), before finally addressing a campaign rally in Bristol (6pm).

 

Liberal Democrats

Happy birthday, Nick Clegg -- who was elected to parliament this day five years ago. He continues his series of early-morning press conferences at the Work Foundation in London (7.30am). He will then attend a public rally at Western Lawns on King Edward's Parade in Eastbourne with the local Lib Dem candidate, Stephen Lloyd (11am), before heading north to attend a Q&A with students at the University of Durham (Pemberton Building, Palace Green, 4pm). He will round off the day with an election rally at Barker's Pool in Sheffield (6.45pm).

 

Other parties

The Scottish National Party leader and First Minister, Alex Salmond, will rally the troops at SNP headquarters in Edinburgh (10am). The SNP is hoping to win 20 seats in the House of Commons this year.

 

The media

BBC2's The Daily Politics: 2010 Election Debates will feature the deputy Labour Party leader and House of Commons leader, Harriet Harman, the Conservative shadow Commons leader, George Young, the Liberal Democrat equality spokeswoman, Lynne Featherstone, and the Plaid Cymru MP Adam Price in "The Trust in Politics Debate" (2.15pm). Andrew Neil and Jo Coburn will be asking the questions.

 

Away from the campaign

Nominations for the five-year post of professor of poetry at Oxford University (annual salary: £6,901) close today. It's an election battle that surely makes the other pale into insignificance. Last year the process was disrupted when one of the nominees, Derek Walcott, pulled out over allegations of sexual harassment, followed by Ruth Padel, who admitted she had told the press about the allegations. Some of those hoping to make it this time are Geoffrey Hill, Paula Claire, Sean Haldane and Roger Lewis.

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The footie is back. Three weeks in and what have we learned so far?

Barcleys, boots and big names... the Prem is back.

Another season, another reason for making whoopee cushions and giving them to Spurs fans to cheer them up during the long winter afternoons ahead. What have we learned so far?

Big names are vital. Just ask the manager of the Man United shop. The arrival of Schneiderlin and Schweinsteiger has done wonders for the sale of repro tops and they’ve run out of letters. Benedict Cumberbatch, please join Carlisle United. They’re desperate for some extra income.

Beards are still in. The whole Prem is bristling with them, the skinniest, weediest player convinced he’s Andrea Pirlo. Even my young friend and neighbour Ed Miliband has grown a beard, according to his holiday snaps. Sign him.

Boots Not always had my best specs on, but here and abroad I detect a new form of bootee creeping in – slightly higher on the ankle, not heavy-plated as in the old days but very light, probably made from the bums of newborn babies.

Barclays Still driving me mad. Now it’s screaming from the perimeter boards that it’s “Championing the true Spirit of the Game”. What the hell does that mean? Thank God this is its last season as proud sponsor of the Prem.

Pitches Some groundsmen have clearly been on the weeds. How else can you explain the Stoke pitch suddenly having concentric circles, while Southampton and Portsmouth have acquired tartan stripes? Go easy on the mowers, chaps. Footballers find it hard enough to pass in straight lines.

Strips Have you seen the Everton third kit top? Like a cheap market-stall T-shirt, but the colour, my dears, the colour is gorgeous – it’s Thames green. Yes, the very same we painted our front door back in the Seventies. The whole street copied, then le toot middle classes everywhere.

Scott Spedding Which international team do you think he plays for? I switched on the telly to find it was rugby, heard his name and thought, goodo, must be Scotland, come on, Scotland. Turned out to be the England-France game. Hmm, must be a member of that famous Cumbrian family, the Speddings from Mirehouse, where Tennyson imagined King Arthur’s Excalibur coming out the lake. Blow me, Scott Spedding turns out to be a Frenchman. Though he only acquired French citizenship last year, having been born and bred in South Africa. What’s in a name, eh?

Footballers are just so last season. Wayne Rooney and Harry Kane can’t score. The really good ones won’t come here – all we get is the crocks, the elderly, the bench-warmers, yet still we look to them to be our saviour. Oh my God, let’s hope we sign Falcao, he’s a genius, will make all the difference, so prayed all the Man United fans. Hold on: Chelsea fans. I’ve forgotten now where he went. They seek him here, they seek him there, is he alive or on the stairs, who feckin’ cares?

John Stones of Everton – brilliant season so far, now he is a genius, the solution to all of Chelsea’s problems, the heir to John Terry, captain of England for decades. Once he gets out of short trousers and learns to tie his own laces . . .

Managers are the real interest. So refreshing to have three young British managers in the Prem – Alex Neil at Norwich (34), Eddie Howe at Bournemouth (37) and that old hand at Swansea, Garry Monk, (36). Young Master Howe looks like a ball boy. Or a tea boy.

Mourinho is, of course, the main attraction. He has given us the best start to any of his seasons on this planet. Can you ever take your eyes off him? That handsome hooded look, that sarcastic sneer, the imperious hand in the air – and in his hair – all those languages, he’s so clearly brilliant, and yet, like many clever people, often lacking in common sense. How could he come down so heavily on Eva Carneiro, his Chelsea doctor? Just because you’re losing? Yes, José has been the best fun so far – plus Chelsea’s poor start. God, please don’t let him fall out with Abramovich. José, we need you.

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 27 August 2015 issue of the New Statesman, Isis and the new barbarism