Steven Baxter

Patrolling the murkier waters of the mainstream media

The politics of Eurovision

My pick for the winner – and why Britain will get nuls points.

By Steven Baxter Published 14 May 2011 14:42

Eurovision is Europe in miniature – at the same time both maddeningly wonderful and brilliantly depressing, a Babel tower of colliding cultures and simmering rivalries.

But Eurovision is better than the politics of the New Europe: instead of over-expensed, starched suits carving up quotas in a darkened room, it's a camp-as-you-like kaleidoscope of sequins, bad dance routines, terrible lyrics and awfully joyous ditties about boys and girls holding hands and asking, "Hey, can't we all just get along?"

What's not to love? Nothing, that's what.

Of course, behind the scenes, the knives will be out. Despite the promise that juries will help eradicate the bloc voting that has marred previous contests, we all know that certain countries are bound to give douze points to their pals, regardless of the content.

Some countries could put a dead duck on a stick to a backing track of someone noisily farting the national anthem, and still get 12 points from their near neighbours and the diaspora who live across the border; others won't get a sniff of a point from old enemies no matter how hard they try.

Such is the gloriously unfair nature of the contest, I'm afraid, if you look back at voting patterns to try to work out who likes whom – but that's part of the joy of it, and part of the joy of being European, trying to navigate all these old conflicts.

An interesting question is whether new tensions are beginning to surface in this new age of Austerity Europe; and if they are, whether they will manifest themselves in this year's voting.

Dana, Dana, give me an answer, do

Will Iceland, for example, have forgiven the UK yet for using anti-terror legislation to demand its money back a couple of years ago? Will Portugal, Ireland and Greece show thanks to their eurozone benefactors, or anger at the conditions imposed on them by the likes of France and Germany? Will Azerbaijan give 12 points to Turkey? Ah well, some things are easier to predict than others in this game.

It was intriguing last year to see Europe turn, in its hour of crisis, to the big daddy, Germany. Were they simply looking to the larger nation to help steer them through troubled times? Was it that they wer sure that Germany would at least have a few spare euros to put on a good show?

I think it's more complicated than that. I may have hated every second of the demonic Deutsch Dick Van Dyke Lena and her mockney meanderings about buying new underwear, but that's just me. The song had been a hit across the rest of Europe by the time the contest had come around; it had a built-in fanbase.

This year, the favourites are France. Listening to the entry, it's hard for me (and many others) to see why: I find it an intensely unlikeable dirge from Amaury Vassili and "Sognu", lacking in warmth or personality, just a moany lament that leaves you entirely cold.

There's just something completely impersonal about it, which makes me wonder why it's managed to create such a buzz. Or is there something else going on? Perhaps, after Germany, Europe turns towards France for inspiration, for help in its times of crisis. And if that is the case, why not the Royaume Uni?

Why not, indeed? Well, I think there are two main factors. First, the fragmenting UK, with Scotland contemplating a more independent future, still refuses to be friends with Europe. That looks unlikely to change with David Cameron having to shore up the anti-European wedge of the Tory party on one side, despite being in coalition with the more Euro-enthusiastic Liberal Democrats.

Second, we've produced an awful lot of shit down the years. Katrina and the Waves, lifted on a buzz of Blair bliss in that honeymoon period before we started bombing too many people, also had the virtue of having a half-decent song.

It's easy to point to the awfulness of Jemini – and they really were appallingly bad – but they weren't alone. We've had nothing to cheer since then, and I can't see Blue turning the tide, either, despite their relative high profile. No, it'll be another year of dashed hopes for the UK – and rightly so.

Optimistic stormclouds . . .

Who will win, then? My personal favourite is Switzerland, for a song that offers an optimistic vision of stormclouds disappearing across Europe, the recessions receding, a future full of hope, and all of that.

But I don't think they'll quite make it over the finishing line – like my pick of last year, Tom Dice of Belgium, I just don't think they have the all-round appeal necessary to get the big votes.

Serbia has a chance, and a pretty decent effort that should hoover up a few votes in the all-important Balkans, but I don't know if it'll play well enough across the north of the continent.

Which leaves us with Jedward. If anything can cross cultural boundaries, it's a pair of There's Something About Mary-quiffed, rubbery twins bounding around with Labrador-chasing-a-tennis-ball enthusiasm, singing about make-up.

What could possibly go wrong? It's just the kick-start that Ireland needs as an era of gloom descends, and they'll get a few votes from fellow struggling eurozone nations for that, too. They have the perfect combination of the political, the tactical and the sheer Euro wackiness.

I hope so, anyway. Please, anybody but France.

More from Steven Baxter

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19 comments

Thu, 2012-06-14 22:32 — Melodi (not verified)

I really must agree that politics are playing a big deal when giving the points to their neighbor countries, this year Eurovision went well for Sweden, so we are hopping that Melodifestivalen 2013 will be a big hit.

melodifestivalen 2013,eurovision 2013

Sun, 2011-10-16 17:20 — Abraham2

People may not be thinking politics.. but they are certainly influenced by it, for example many British people may still resent voting for a German song regardless of the vote, or many Irish people may not want to vote UK.. its not about thinking politics, but about natural inclinations of living in any particular nation. http://www.kindlefirereviewed.org/

Sun, 2011-10-16 18:06 — swatantra (not verified)

Its a mystery how this thread emerged again after being buried for months. But I stick by what I said then. Eurovision must be sung in the native tongue and, by nationals who have lived in the country for more than 7 years. In the event of a draw, the winner should be decided on penalties.

Wed, 2011-05-18 17:02 — ThisIsNotAPseudonym (not verified)

Daniele - how about this http://www.mosnews.com/society/2009/05/18/armenianazericontestconflict/ & this http://pomegranateexpress.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/whos-bad-azeri-nation...
as examples of how the voting process gets skewed?

Mon, 2011-05-16 00:06 — danny (not verified)

@daniele!
think you really do need to open your eyes and actually understand that is what goes on with the voting! we (the uk) did the same by awarding ireland 12 points.
hmmmmmmm portugal voting for spain
spain viting for portugal,
austria voting for germany and vice versa! france voting for spain and italy!
grow up daniele and realise its a special night for music but scarred by the political and neighbour voting.....will this change i dont think so.

Mon, 2011-05-16 01:31 — Daniele1

OK I give up. It is like talking to robots who keep repeating the same thing without ever explaining the why and the how.
I can only refer you, danny to my previous post. You still haven't told me why these countries, neighbours who don't particularly love each other, would be voting for each other for political reasons.
And there is no need to patronise me with such stupid remarks as "grow up" especially when you give me no rationale behind your comment and just keep repeating other posts.So we gave 12 points to Ireland. Why? because we love the Irish? or by voting for Ireland you knew that some Irish man somewhere in Ireland would be voting for the UK in exchange?
OR could it be that the Brits were familiar with those 2 twats who sang the Irish song so they voted for them rather than for 2 totally foreign twats? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Sat, 2011-05-14 15:15 — Daniele1

Not again! Another stupid and utterly baseless comment about the bias in the Eurovision song contest voting.
It has been a puzzle to me, for years, as to why the Brits persist with this utterly ridiculous myth.No one else in Europe has this paranoid view of this silly contest. It is just a bloody song contest for Christ sake!! why see some Machiavellian political plotting where there is none! just ordinary people watching a show throughout Europe and choosing the least offensive song of the lot. I just don't get it. Wogan started this paranoid madness and lots of people lazily carried on perpetuating this myth without questioning its lack of logic and reason.
So people vote for their neighbours, do they? and they do so because they think their neighbours are going to vote for them too.So the Brits vote for.. the French song then? What??? When there was a jury you could have claimed that they plotted before hand to vote for each other etc.. But now it is just ordinary people voting. Do you honestly think that people give a shit about the political relation between countries before they vote?? do you think Mrs Smith in Birmingham or Mme Dupon in Paris are going to consider the UK relationship with Britain and France or Germany before they cast their vote? the Greek housewife and the Portuguese barman are going to think twice about voting for the German song because Germany has imposed strong debts measures against Portugal and Greece. This is total lunacy.Oh and let me guess, nobody votes for the UK because ..nobody loves us.How pathetic!
As to the Slavic block always voting for each other. WHY? because they totally love each other? Have you forgotten that these guys were killing each other a few years ago and generally still dislike and mistrust each other? Has anybody thought of a simpler explanation like...they just happen to like the sound of their neighbours' songs because it corresponds to their own musical taste having a similar cultural background?
How typically British to attribute our failure to win this contest to some diabolical machinations from these "bloody foreigners"!
Coming from a mixed European background I have a totally different attitude to this contest. Just relax and have a laugh for goodness sake and don't see evil plotting where there is NONE!
Very disappointing to read such utter drivel in the NS.

Sat, 2011-05-14 15:24 — greg sheppard (not verified)

@Daniele

Itis true and if you read the article you may have actually understood what the article was about slightly more than neighbours voting for each other.

It's a pointless and terrible waste of time and money and shames all involved but to deny there is voting only related to the music is utterly stupid. Nor is it a complaint limited to the UK, most of western europe makes the same complaints.

Sat, 2011-05-14 17:45 — Daniele1

utter bullocks!
I am still waiting for some one to explain the rationale behind the theory that people vote politically. Have you found ONE person who votes politically. Where? And WHY would they? What would be the bloody point?
Before you call what I maintain stupid, give me proof and give me some rationale to justify your paranoid position.
I have never encountered anyone on the continent holding those views about the contest.
This stems from a patronising, xenophobic and superior attitude that Britain holds towards all things European. That's all there is to it.

Sat, 2011-05-14 19:21 — Remy

Geeeez, it's like Daniele has never been around any Europeans before. Especially the Eastern sort of ones.

Sat, 2011-05-14 20:34 — swatantra

I love Eurovision. Its what binds Europe together more than any other institution in Brussels. Its what gives us the opportunity to see how other countries produce better and more imaginative music than the UK.
I have to agree that Blue are not the best representatives for us.
I wish that the Competition said that a country must sing in its own language and not in English ... that way the UK might have a beter chance of winning. But would be a joy to hear Serbo-Croat spoken again, and I'd forgotten what Maltese sounded like. I think the Maltese have also forgotten and its now an endangered language.
But it must be said: There is no politics in Eurovision.

Sat, 2011-05-14 22:09 — Herbert (not verified)

'I may have hated every second of the demonic Deutsch Dick Van Dyke Lena and her mockney meanderings about buying new underwear...'

But she's lovely. She should win forever.

Sat, 2011-05-14 23:05 — swatantra

Its Spain for me. A fiesty number and sung in Spanish. Estonia and Lithuniania, Slovenia maybe.
France null point. The men were rubbish as usual, apart from Denmark and Jedward.

Sun, 2011-05-15 00:59 — Daniele1

Remy:
I have been around plenty of Europeans and I am one! what on earth do you mean? I really think you should abstain from stupid xenophobic remarks unless you don't mind sounding like a racist dick.

Sun, 2011-05-15 01:33 — Rob (not verified)

Daniele, I think Remy was just having a joke. chill.

I think if you have watched Wogan's comments and commentary (which Im sure you have), then you will see that year in year out he was able to predict which countries would award there 12 points where.. he got it right time after time, not from guesswork, but from knowing the political bias of various countries..

It has to be noted that Britain's record went down after the Iraq war was begun .. coincidence?? I think not.

It may not be the only influence in any Eurovision, and of course the song matters hugely, but politics does influence the way a nation awards its points.. if it didnt then Wogan would never have been able to predict it.

Mon, 2011-05-16 19:09 — hugh markey (not verified)

Isn't Azerbaijan the home of a people endowed with impossibly high IQs?. And famous for the longevity of its population?
Not any more, it ain't! Since it escaped the boundaries of the old Soviet Union each generation has become dumb and dumber. The IQ [ Idiot Quotient ] is gaining altitude. By the say, can they sing?

Comic Cuts

Sun, 2011-05-15 09:40 — swatantra

Eurovision confounds us all once again. Ajerbajan were rubbish but still won. Cyprus continues to vote for Greece regardlesss of the song and performance. The Baltics stick together; the Slavs exchange phone numbers and the Anglo Saxons never seem to find the right song, although Lloyd Webber got close with Jade. Blue were just too predictable and slick and smooth and their dance routine too programmed.
What Eurovision is looking for is originality, a light song not too heavy, and hummable. And they didn't find it in Ajerbajan. But it really doesn't matter who wins in the end. Eurovision is a showcase of European talent for the British who never would get the chance to hear good European songsters.

Sun, 2011-05-15 11:29 — Mr. Divine (not verified)

My vote is going to Aberzanbain .. I like their song.

Sun, 2011-05-15 13:34 — Daniele1

To the conspiracy theorists:
If there is a voting strategy as you implied, please explain to me how it works. For a strategy to work you need someone to coordinate it. who coordinates this evil machination exactly? Swatantra,after saying "there is no politics in the Eurovision" in your previous post, you now say "the Slavs exchange telephone numbers" what? how the hell do they do that? But more importantly why would they do that when they mostly hate each other?
Greece and Cyprus always vote for each other. OF COURSE THEY DO! they play the same music and have the same instruments and they understand the songs. What is so suspicious about that??
Last night my friends said "Turkey will be voting for Greece of course" Can't remember if they did but the point is of course they might because of their similar musical tastes and certainly NOT because they want to do each other a favour. The hate between the Turks and the Greeks is an historical affair and continues to this day (my husband is Greek).We should rejoice from the fact that they vote for each other's music because it means they are voting for the song and for no other reason precisely!In that sense Eurovision is actually successful at mending links between nations and we should be grateful for that, not bitchy about it.