Operation Nobel

Obama arrives to claim his prize

It was raining, some will say fittingly, as Barack Obama arrived in Oslo this morning to receive his much-remarked-on Nobel Prize. So bad was the weather, in fact, that Obama was forced to make the trip from the airport to the downtown Nobel Peace Institute in convoy, the usually busy E6 motorway out of town being closed to allow smooth passage.

The Norwegians are used to awful weather, of course, but they aren't used to all this: the helicopters circling overhead, the roads blocked to regular traffic, the probing pat-down of security checks as they make their way around town. Their country has, on the whole, resisted the arrival of Starbucks and other trappings of American culture (Marshall aid excepted, perhaps) -- much more so than the UK, say.

Today, though, they are getting a real taste of America. "Ninety-two million Kroner extra", announced Dagsavisen recently about security arrangements for Obama's visit, only for the figure to be revised upwards by several million kroner a week later. That's the sort of money that would normally go into municipal works, such as district heating, in this part of the world. But today the Christmas market in the large open plaza that abuts the harbour has been closed (it was a security threat), a whole section of town has been cordoned off, and there are more police about than the country even knew it had. The daily Dagbladet has labelled all the fuss "Operation Nobel".

For this, and other reasons, the decision to give this award to the president of the United States of America in just his first year in office is no more universally popular in Norway than it has been around the world. In the lead-up to his visit, some have grumbled about how Obama has cut down on the number of activities the winner is usually expected to undertake. And more than a few have questioned the extra fuss being made about him. But this is what happens when a standing president wins. The Norwegians really have only themselves to thank.

Yet today, their problem is also Obama's problem, for what happens when a Peace Prize-winner announces a troop surge to a war zone, as Obama has done in Afghanistan, is yet to be established. The president was apparently working on that particular aspect of his speech on the flight over from Washington.

On arriving in Norway, Obama made the Nobel Prize Institute his first stop. There, he didn't just sign the book, he practically wrote an essay in it. I would hazard there was more than a penny for those particular thoughts. Left-handed Obama then handed over to right-handed Michelle as she, too, signed the book and he stood back, joking politely with Nobel Committee members.

For a minute, as he looked down, he appeared distinctly proud. But when he turned to the committee -- and perhaps an indication of the tone of the speech to come this afternoon -- he deflected attention from himself. It was their work promoting the cause of peace that he thanked them for.

Then it was off again, to Oslo's regjeringens kvartaler -- the government district -- where he was to meet the Norwegian prime minister, Jens Stoltenberg. Later (around 2pm UK time) Obama will formally receive his prize and give his acceptance speech. Perhaps the weather will have cleared by then.


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How that deleted lesbian scene in Love Actually should have gone

If the film was made in a more utopian 2003, this is what it would have looked like.

Here are some things that “haven’t” made me cry in recent days: “She’s The One” by Robbie Williams coming on the radio in a 3am Uber; my cat farting on my boob; the deleted lesbian storyline in Love Actually. No, the recently unearthed segment of the schmaltziest film of an entire decade in which the resplendent Frances de la Tour plays the terminally ill partner of a “stern headmistress” with a marshmallow interior (Anne Reid) most definitely did not make me sob like someone’s recently divorced uncle spending Christmas Day in a Wetherspoons.

The posh older lesbian archetype, it turns out, is something I find quite affecting. Reid and de la Tour play one of those couples who have (probably…) overcome so many obstacles in order to be lesbians together. Poshness. Being at an all-girls boarding school in which lesbianism was simultaneously everywhere and nowhere. More poshness. Section 28. Gazing longingly at each other while one tinkles Chopin’s Nocturnes on a dilapidated piano, in a crumbling stately home, and the other sips brandy from a chipped crystal tumbler; both daring not taste the forbidden fruit of the poetess Sappho, etc, etc. Radclyffe Hall. Horses. Poor hygiene.

Unfortunately, seeing as Love Actually was released in 2003 – roughly a decade before people began pretending to care about lesbians – Richard Curtis was forced to cut the one genuinely moving plotline (which actually contains none of the above, but I think heavily implies it) from his cinematic ode to bollocks. But perhaps, had the only non-hetero, non-fucking annoying couple been less of an afterthought and more, say, utterly crucial to the narrative, things could’ve been different. Here’s how, in a more utopian 2003, that might have been achieved:

Maggie Smith and Judi Dench (seriously, how did these women get away with not being in Love Actually in the first place?) are militant communists. Judi Dench is a sculptor who used to drink schnapps with Ulrike Meinhof. In the 1980s, she moved to Cuba and became a professional recluse. Maggie Smith, on the other hand, is someone’s spinster great aunt. It doesn’t really matter whose but, for the sake of argument, let’s say that ginger guy who used to be in My Family and those BT ads. (Just a reminder, his actual character in Love Actually is the one whose entire personality is being a bit of a sexist virgin and having an English accent which eventually gets him laid by several American women.)

Anyway, Maggie Smith’s character, let’s call her Edith, has spent her whole life being both a secret lesbian and a secret communist. On holiday in Cuba, she bumps into Judi Dench’s character, let’s call her Annie, and they hook up. Graphically and repeatedly. And, before I’m accused of deus ex machina laziness, please be reminded that this is Love freaking Actually.

Edith and Annie decide that because they’re quite old and don’t care any more, they’re going to go back to London and assassinate the terrible Hugh Grant prime minister. Through yet more hilarious deus ex machina, they manage to sneak into No 10 late at night, with handguns. Hugh Grant is all, “Blimey, who are you.” Edith is all, “your worst nightmare, bitch”. Bear in mind the audience is now shitting itself laughing because an old posh lady just talked all gangster. Then Annie pistol whips him and he passes out in the most Hugh Grant way possible ie he says, “oh dear,” then hits the floor like an untalented, floppy haired douche. When he comes to, he’s tied to a chair in his office. At this point he remembers that he was supposed to turn up at Tiffany from EastEnders’s house and declare his love for her. He begs Annie and Edith to let him phone her. “As it’s Christmas”, they decide to let the fucker do one last really corny thing before he dies. There are no bodyguards or anything, by the way. Remember, this is a film in which – post-9/11 – a child (albeit a white one) runs through airport security and isn’t shot 17 times in the head.

So, the PM phones up Tiffany from EastEnders and says, “Look. I… there’s something I wanted to tell you. And I was planning on doing it in person but …gosh this is all so terribly inconvenient… I’m being held hostage by lesbian communists. I do hope you can forgive me.”

After some more “frightfully English” bumbling crap, Edith puts her gun to Hugh Grant’s head and pulls the trigger. Her and Annie then make out for like seven minutes. Eventually, a cockney policeman played by Timothy Spall shows up and decides to let the two women off, again, “as it’s Christmas.” Also, he mentions, “No one liked that tosser anyway.”

“She’s the One” by Robbie Willams begins to play.

Eleanor Margolis is a freelance journalist, whose "Lez Miserable" column appears weekly on the New Statesman website.