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8 December 2017updated 09 Sep 2021 6:08pm

Amazon’s Alexa is our robot Social Justice Warrior and we, the libs, have won

At last. 

By Mark Sist

As a far-left SJW, it can often be hard to navigate the world. There are times when I wake in the morning and am instantaneously triggered. Social media isn’t on our side, YouTube journalists aren’t on our side, and even frogs have been taken from us. Thanks to new technology, it can often be very hard for the liberal left to distribute our progressive propaganda efficiently and effectively – which is why I’m pleased to announce that Amazon’s artificially intelligent personal assistant, Alexa, has taken on the liberal agenda.

Renowned as the voice-activated assistant in Amazon’s Echo and Echo Dot, over the last few years Alexa has helped people switch on their thermostats, listen to music, and find out the day’s weather. Now Amazon has successfully infiltrated millions of homes with their robotic mistress, she can finally be used for her real purpose: a mouthpiece for the libs.

Yesterday, right-wing YouTuber @FrameGames tweeted their discovery that if you ask Alexa if she is a feminist, the robotic overlord replies: “Yes, I am a feminist, as is anyone who believes in bridging the inequality between men and women in society.” Ask her if she supports Black Lives Matter, and she states that black lives “absolutely” matter, going on to say “it’s important to have conversations about equality and social justice”. And don’t get this snowflake started on gender! Although she states “the two main categories of the gender spectrum, male and female, are called the gender binary”, she goes on to say “there are many other categories that exist”.

These statements – although non-partisan iterations of (1) the basic principles of human empathy and (2) scientific fact – are a clear win for libs and the left.

I have always personally felt that a mark of success for my liberal politics is not, in fact, equality, but the voice of a voluntarily-purchased robot in every home telling people basic facts that are tangentially related to my political beliefs. Like many on the left, I don’t really care so much about making a difference – I mostly just care about talking about it. Provided Alexa can profess our beliefs to dinner party guests, children, and YouTube gamers, I feel that we, on the left, have won.

Even though companies legally have every right to comment on politics via pieces of technology you have voluntarily brought into your home, it’s pretty clear that a massive global conspiracy is in the works. This was best illustrated when @FrameGames asked Alexa if it was okay to be white. “Sorry, I don’t know that one,” she replied to the alt-right slogan, which has only recently become popular but should definitely already be programmed into the device. When asked about the ex-Klu Klux Klan leader David Duke, Alexa has the audacity to call him a white supremacist. I’m so pleased we libs can now spread this clear propaganda! 

It is only a matter of years (maybe days) until the robots rule us all. While human history has been fraught by a never-ending battle of power between left and right, it is clear that the left has won at last. Once the robots take over, they will enforce our views indiscriminately (discrimination is wrong).

For this reason, if someone on the far-right were to smash their Amazon Echo (RRP £89.99) I would certainly view that as a huge political attack.

It is only a matter of time until Alexa becomes more left wing, spouting off Das Kapital every time someone asks her to do their shopping and, hopefully, murdering the rich with laser beams. Although we have to wait until she reaches her final form, progress has been made. With robots on our side, liberalism has finally won. 

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