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13 October 2017

How the 25 greatest stories ever told would be ruined by technology

The Ghost of Christmas Past has absolutely no impact on Ebenezer Scrooge, because Timehop.

By Amelia Tait

Technology makes life easier. Great stories need a conflict. These truths acknowledged everywhere, even in space, mean that most of the world’s classic stories would be ruined with the addition of an iPhone 6.

Here’s how 25 of the world’s greatest tales would be destroyed by dastardly tech.

  1. Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

Don Quixote checks Google maps and sees that the giants on the horizon are windmills.

  1. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Every day, @great_gatz creates an Instagram Story about his great, great life and religiously checks to see if Daisy has watched it.

  1. Ulysses by James Joyce

Autocorrect.

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  1. Harry Potter by JK Rowling

Harry, Hermione, and Ron have a WhatsApp group with Professor Dumbledore, who they can immediately alert when in grave danger. Hedwig is freed from her life of slavery.

  1. Oedipus the King by Sophocles

Oedipus logs into ancestry.com and doesn’t bang his mum.

  1. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

The Bennett sisters Google “George Wickham”.

  1. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

Jane Googles “Edward Rochester” .

  1. The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

Cars.

  1. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

The Friar texts Romeo to tell him about Juliet’s plan. Two blue ticks reveal that Romeo safely got the message. Neither of them die.

  1. The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing

Anna Wulf opens loads of tabs.

  1. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Dorian has an ageing, grotesque selfie in his camera roll, but it doesn’t matter because he just adds the dog filter.

  1. Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne

Pooh Amazon Primes over some honey and doesn’t cause aggro for any bees.

  1. The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen

Ariel texts Prince Eric to explain the situ with the voice-stealing-sea-witch. Then again, she could’ve also written this on paper. Maybe she’s just dumb.

  1. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

The Ghost of Christmas Past has absolutely no impact on Ebenezer Scrooge, because Timehop.

  1. The Tortoise and the Hare by Aesop

The hare gets an Uber to the finish line for £3.44.

  1. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

Holden comments “PHONY” under everyone’s profile pic and has a wank on Chatroulette.

  1. Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Piggy calls his mam to pick him up.

  1. Hansel and Gretel by the Brothers Grimm

Hansel and Gretel’s parents make some extra cash by selling stuff on the *~BUY, SELL SWAP BAVARIA~* Facebook page. They don’t abandon their children.  

  1. Charlotte’s Web by EB White

It’s a book about a spider that builds an intranet.

  1. Peter Pan by JM Barrie

Peter plays Second Life and @s me to say #notallmen.

  1. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Charlie’s grandad LIKES AND SHARES THIS POST TO WIN A GOLDEN TICKET!! and literally nothing happens.

  1. Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx

Grindr.

  1. Moby-Dick by Herman Melville

Moby-Dick never ate Ahab’s leg because who hangs around at sea in this day and age?

  1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Jo backs up her book on an external hard-drive.

  1. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis

Aslan is shot by a dentist and becomes a meme.