Your honour, it should be noted (on the record!) that Twitter’s decision to extend its character limit from 140 to 280 is bad. Currently undergoing a trial period, new 280 character tweets destroy the foundation of the social network, which is the lone place of brevity and simplicity on the world wide web, yes web, of complexity! Entirely new ways of communicating have flourished and boomed on the site, and new codes of humour have emerged from the need to be short. And now, short we must be. Twitter: you are a bad man.
Now we have that out of the way, how about a little fun? How would Twitter’s new character limit change the site’s most popular tweets, had it always been so? What would the best tweets look like with the roomy trousers of 280 characters? This very serious very investigative investigation sought to find out.
Carter Wilkerson’s original:
HELP ME PLEASE. A MAN NEEDS HIS NUGGS pic.twitter.com/4SrfHmEMo3
— Carter Wilkerson (@carterjwm) April 6, 2017
The 280-character truth:
HELP ME PLEASE. A MAN NEEDS HIS NUGGS. I PLAN TO FEED THEM TO CHICKENS AND LAUGH AS THEY DEVOUR THEIR FRIENDS. THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY PURPOSE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT
Ellen DeGeneres’ original:
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014
The 280-character truth: If only Bradley’s arm was longer. I dream of a time in which he can tickle me from afar. To feel his fingers brush against me as I swim, yet he is on the land.
Barack Obama’s original:
“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion…” pic.twitter.com/InZ58zkoAm
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) August 13, 2017
The 280-character truth: No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion… It took time and effort for me to cultivate my hatred of this little boy on the left.
Hillary Clinton’s original:
“To all the little girls watching…never doubt that you are valuable and powerful & deserving of every chance & opportunity in the world.”
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) November 9, 2016
The 280-character truth: To all the little girls watching… never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world. You won’t get them though. There’s absolutely no chance you’ll get them. You’re a girl!
Louis Tomlinson’s original:
Always in my heart @Harry_Styles . Yours sincerely, Louis
— Louis Tomlinson (@Louis_Tomlinson) October 2, 2011
The 280-character truth: Harry, if we publicly cultivate the rumour that we are secretly in love, we can most likely sell more t-shirts. We are secretly in love though. There’s undeniable proof.
P.S. my baby is a lie
JK Rowling’s original:
It’s the 16th anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. I’m having a moment’s silence over my keyboard. I hated killing some of those people.
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 2, 2014
The 280-character truth: It’s the 16th anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. I’m having a moment’s silence over my keyboard. I hated killing some of those people – but it awakened something inside of me. The urge to kill only grows stronger. One Weasley is not enough. I must taste flesh.
As you can conclusively see, nothing good could ever come out of 280-character tweets.