Roll up, roll up! Come one, come all! See the incredible shameless man! Marvel at his obliviousness! Quake before his abject lack of compunction! No, don’t get too close, young man. He’ll only tell you how to win an election.
Your Mole regrets to announce that a Mr N Timothy CBE, last seen heading for Erdington in a set of Joe Chamberlain pyjamas in the early hours of 8 June 2017, is planning a return to Westminster.
Theresa May’s in-house intellectual [SUBS PLS CHECK] has been shortlisted for the cushiest possible gig: a safe Conservative seat. Yes, they still exist, you know. He didn’t lose them all. Though there’s still time for that. He’s not even 40.
The good burghers of Meriden (Conservative majority: 19,000), in Nicky’s native West Midlands, could end up with Timothy as their MP – provided he wows local Tory members. Given his storied record of producing the goods when it matters, your Mole is sure it’ll go swimmingly.
Downing Street sources have refused to deny that Boris Johnson is considering appointing Timothy to the Ministry for Falling Upwards should he win.