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30 May 2019updated 23 Jun 2021 7:27am

Opium versus cannabis lassi: Tory leadership candidates have gone all gap yah on us

By media mole

In the logical conclusion of any contest between upper middle-class white boys, the Tory leadership hopefuls have descended into a gap yah-off.

“Uh, it was sick mate, I chugged a cannabis lassi when I was backpacking in Indiah, absolute mess mate!!” said Hunty, kind of. “Well I smoked opium in Iran and then walked 30 miles, man, it was EPIC,” replied Stewdog. Pretty much.

Here are the actual quotes:

“I think I had a cannabis lassi when I went backpacking through India,” Jeremy Hunt told the Times, cattily adding that it was “almost as naughty as wheatfields”.

But that was basic bitch material compared with rival Rory Stewart’s best drug story; he told the Telegraph that he smoked opium at a wedding in Iran:

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“I was invited into the house, the opium pipe was passed around at a wedding. I thought – this is going be a very strange afternoon to walk – but it may be that the family was so poor they put very little opium in the pipe.”

He insisted it “had no effect” on him “because I was walking 25-30 miles a day”, and later called it a “stupid mistake”.

Your mole for one cannot wait to discover Esther McVey’s K-hole story, James Cleverly’s best acid trips, and Penny Mordaunt’s brush with poppers.