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13 September 2018

Novichok suspects tell Russia Today they were just visiting Salisbury for its cathedral

“It’s famous for its 123-metre spire.”

By Media Mole

The two Russian nationals named as suspects for the attempted murder of the Skripals in Salisbury have denied being agents in an interview with RT (the Kremlin-backed broadcaster formerly known as Russia Today).

Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov – concluded by the British government to be officers in Russia’s military intelligence service, the GRU – were caught on CCTV walking in Salisbury, and are now wanted men in the EU under a European Arrest Warrant.

But they were having none of it, telling RT’s editor-in-chief that they were simply visiting Salisbury on a recommendation from friends who’d been “suggesting for a long time that we visit this wonderful town”.

“There’s the famous Salisbury Cathedral,” they said. “Famous not only in Europe, but in the whole world.”

If that didn’t sound convincing, wait until you hear their cast-iron Wikipedia defence: “It’s famous for its 123-metre spire. It’s famous for its clock, the one of the first ever created in the world that’s still working.”

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Watch their Year Seven double Geography presentation on the medieval cathedral city of Salisbury here:

According to RT, their fun trip to Salisbury was hampered by the snowy weather:

“Of course, we went there to see Stonehenge, Old Sarum, but we couldn’t do it because there was muddy slush everywhere.”

Don’t you just hate it when you venture somewhere new as a wide-eyed tourist, and you just can’t get through your lovingly planned itinerary because of all that nerve agent you had to deploy the bloody weather?

Poor guys. Next time, make sure you pack an umbrella. Just not a poison-tipped one.