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  1. Politics
5 December 2017updated 09 Sep 2021 6:13pm

From Zipland to Belfast Plc – the 9 new countries invented after Brexit

An independent Scotland is just the start. 

By Joel Kyereme

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Forget Build-A-Bear – this is Build-A-Nation. After it was reported the UK is about to concede on a deal which keeps Northern Ireland in “regulatory alignment” with the Republic of Ireland after Brexit, Twitter, the natural platform for geopolitics, came to light.

As a furious Democratic Unionist Party tried to stop the negotiations in their tracks (details are yet to be confirmed), the 21st century’s wannabe Sykes and Picots are poised to break up the UK on increasingly imaginative lines. 

It all started off fairly predictably, with harmless politicians like the Mayor of London and the Scottish First Minister…

1. But-what-about-Scot-land

2. Lexit 

 

3. Zipland

An independent London? Scotland? Too small. We need to think bigger. Step forward @jrawson.

This brilliant plan for a new state, let’s call it Zipland, plans to connect all Remain voting areas by zipwire to transport goods and people. Forget the Berlin Wall; the British Wire will form a hard border between Leavers and Remainers whilst giving the Brexiteers the control they so desperately crave. It gets a 10/10 for design – though one onlooker pointed out that it looks rather like the Pixar lamp. Future Zipwireland President Rawson even comes up with a tagline: “Wire we leaving the EU? We’re not!” It might even be worth giving the Brexiteer Boris Johnson a role in government – all for the satisfaction of giving him a push down the zipwire and watching him get stuck somewhere above the Irish Sea

4. Brexitland (and the UKLSGNI)

David Allen Green (very prime ministerial name) is mobilising the masses under the banner of the United Kingdom of London, Scotland, Gibraltar and Northern Ireland. No space for Manchester here – mind you it would give Arsenal a great chance of finally winning a league title. Even with tiny Gibraltar included, he still sticks Northern Ireland at the very end. How cruel. What remained (or left, depending on your point of view) would be labelled “Brexitland”. Hardly inspiring, although it would encompass almost all of England and Wales – surrounding London completely. But David Allen Green (full name, we’re being prime ministerial here) has a problem, as most states do when being formed. There will be a majority Remainer diaspora in places such as Birmingham, Oxford, Manchester and Bristol. Surely they can’t be left behind? Which leads us to…

5. Metropoland

Martin Belam of the Guardian envisages something similar to 18th century Germany, except instead of princely states you’d have the Remainer Republic of Cambridge. 

This is inciting chaos, surely. What next? Non-binding general elections? Lord Buckethead might just win at last.

6. People’s Republic of Wales

Wales voted to Leave the EU. Get back to Brexitland!

7. Game of Thrones

Weren’t we supposed to be bringing the country together?

8. Belfast Plc

Will we see a trend of businesses moving to Northern Ireland? One such pilgrim is ready to lead the charge.

Apparently there’s £1.5bn floating around there

9. a) A Homeowning Referendumocracy

Apparently drawing on the old adage that an Englisman’s home is his castle, this Twitter user proposes that their house remains in the single market, while the Leave-supporting neighbours can stay on the outside. But what about inside the house? Does every room stay in the single market? These are the important questions.

9. b) With important answers

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