The Daily Mail has dedicated 42 pages of coverage to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s engagement. FORTY-TWO. That’s basically a manifesto.
Anyway. We read it in all its daft glory so you didn’t have to. Here are the best (worst) bits:
There are 42 pages in a daily newspaper about two humans getting engaged. Two human beings deciding they like one another enough to both write their names on the same piece of paper. 42 pages about this. Forty. Two.
Interviews with jewellers, who value the ring at £50,000, £199,475 and “inestimable worth”. I want a fourth opinion.
- “Like a pair of lovebirds on Love Island” is an actual picture caption on a screenshot of their BBC interview. Has anyone at the Mail ever watched it?
- Jan Moir’s weird fantasy while watching the interview: “Harry could have been in a kilt and Megan in silky hot pants for all we knew.” Why would you think that? And what are silky hot pants?
- “PRE-MARITAL ROYAL SEX” CREEPY SPECULATION ALERT.
Jeremy Corbyn is a bastard bingo! A pearl-clutching report from a Labour rally laments “shouts of ‘Who cares?’ and ‘Get out’” when a journalist asked the leader about the engagement.
- Diana’s ghost bingo! “Diana would have been thrilled” divines “the writer who knew Harry’s mother best”, in, of course, “a tantalising insight into how she’d feel today”.
- This absolutely batshit headline.
Having a royal wedding. What a maverick.
A double-page spread about the utter non-issue of a divorcee getting married in church (spoiler: she is allowed to get married in church).
Racism bingo! Markle “went from a seedy Los Angeles tenement to a Palace”, and gets her “hippy side” from her mum. Also, her engagement is being celebrated in “unusual, out-of-the-way places”. This is all from a profile of a “thrillingly unconventional future princess”. Hmm.
Pop at the liberal elite bingo! Yes, it’s the inevitable Why the royal family having a “bride descended from slaves” proves “the sneering snobs wrong” op-ed. Complete with irrelevant paragraph about “‘decolonising’ the curriculum to boot off white authors”, of course.
V E R Y. VERY. Very.
A creepy spread of intimate childhood pics of Markle and her parents dug up from somewhere – or, “MEET THE IN-LAWS”.
A creepy spread of intimate teenage pics of Markle and her friends and family dug up from somewhere – or, “HER FAMILY ALBUM”.
- Complete with big red circles over her face, for ease of identification.
Thanks for that.
A creepy rip of her Instagram – or, “HER OWN CANDID SNAPS”.
Mainly poolside and seaside-based shots, of course.
Crap grainy long-lens pictures of the couple at a Polo Club – or, “SHE’S FOUND HER PRINCE”. (Alternative title: “THE PAPS FOUND THEIR PRINCE”).
- Some very tame screenshots of a mildly saucy Suits scene – or, “TV ROLES SHE’D RATHER FORGET… AND THE ONES HE’D RATHER FORGET”. But Mail readers will have etched on their brains for all time.