Here is a propaganda video about the President of Turkmenistan:
Woah. Hold up. Let’s just go back through that again. Slowly. It is just a terrible stag weekend in the space of two minutes forty-three seconds.
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The journey
DA DA DOW DOW DA DA DOW DOW DA DA DOW DOW DA DA DOW DOW.
A military jeep/Uber XL rides through a desolate non-urban landscape to the first four bars of Tragedy, by Steps. Because some joker you don’t know who works at your pal’s accountancy firm has taken over the Spotify.
Or, hang on, is it actually Eighties German synthpop hit Major Tom (Völlig Losgelöst) by one-hit wonder Peter Schilling? You get briefly excited.
It’s neither. And it’s worse than both.
Getting suited and booted
Time to hit the town, lads. Make sure you’re looking sharp. They won’t let you in with trainers remember, so do up your shiny new own-brand DMs.
Zip up your gilet.
Secure everything onto your person; there might not be a cloakroom. We’re not in Clapham now, you know.
Press your horrifying rack of surplus bullets into place.
Sheath your razor-sharp dagger over your heart.
Load your firearm. Don’t want to take any chances. We are in the provinces after all.
Perfect your forearm make-up.
The stag arrives
HERE he is! The unlucky man! Christ, you privately think, who’d marry this guy?
And he wants you to know that he has an AK47. He’ll never get that past the bouncers.
He also has a watch. Useful, you note, for counting down the hours.
Target practice
The bouncers wouldn’t let us in with the AKs, so it’s time to head to the shooting range to have a pop at some Roaring Twenties era Smurfs instead.
STAG STAG STAG! One for the fans!
Smile and clap. He is enjoying this way too much. Is it going to be like this all weekend? Where’s the booze?
You’ve very rapidly stopped enjoying it. Why won’t he give anyone else a go?
Does anyone have the wifi?
Knife throwing
Gotta keep the crowd going with some more organised MACHO fun. How’d you like that in your trilby, SMURFBOY?
Subscribing to this traditional display of masculinity is deeply problematic. Why couldn’t we just have had brunch?
Oh, come on guys, not even an awkward round of sustained applause?
There it is. Everyone is having a great time. It is the weekend of our lives.
Branch out
I SEE SOME FEMALES. SCRAMBLE.
No mate, that’s my Uber.
If I can juuuust angle this radio right, I can bite my nails in intense fear of my upcoming nuptials. And none of the lads will notice.
FIN
Guys, what’s “ABSOLUTE LEG END” in Turkmen?
Guys?