Suit on, desk tidied, hair parted and webcam on – this foreign policy expert is all ready for his down-the-line interview on BBC News about South Korea’s policy towards North Korea and the latest unrest in the region.
Lovely neat piles of books, all in threes. This is the office, cluttered but cultured, of a man of intellect. Occasionally a talking head, but usually focuses on academia. Happy to give interviews, but busy in his study. Chilled, in control, sharp. Just look at that framed map. So much knowledge in this room, waiting to be delivered to the world through some top-class punditry.
Wait, who’s that a-knocking at the door? Just a-knocking. Maybe coming in but unsure yet. Hand uncertainly resting on the doorhandle, peering in. Just teetering on the threshold, having a look. Might leave, might stay. Unsure how this is going to turn out. Keep on punditing, my man, keep on punditing. Nothing to see here.
Oh, it’s a full-on swagger. Artful Dodger doing the Funky Chicken. Bitta this bitta that, alwight alwight, dad’s on the dog ‘n’ bone, letsavalook shall we.
“I think one of your children’s just walked in.”
If I can juuuuuuust aggressively push my child out of the shot while keeping my eyes fixed coldly on the webcam no one will notice. Rictus grin for the fans. Everyone will carry on listening to what I have to say about the shifting sands of North/South Korean relations. Juuuuuust another push there. Thaaaaaat’s it.
VRRROOOOOOOM boy racer coming through!!!!! Onto the final lap! Foot on the pedal! Speedy Gonzalez in the turbo buggy accelerating into the shot like neeeeeooowwwwwwwwww.
An arm pins open the door in the fastest physical representation of the phrase too-little-too-late ever to be seen on 24-hour rolling news.
Two faces of horror and despair, caught, live, forever.
The neat stacks of three are felled. The veneer crumbles.
Reverse. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse. Oh, god. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse.
The reach. The reach of life. The reach that, in one gasp, says LORD OUR FATHER I AM AT YOUR MERCY PLEASE DELIVER ME THE STRENGTH TO CLOSE THIS DOOR AND SAVE ME FROM THOSE WHO PUNDIT BEFORE IT.
No one saw.
Here is the whole beautiful drama in action:
This BBC interview is amazing. Just wait until the mum rushes in… pic.twitter.com/LGw1ACR9rg
— JOE.co.uk (@JOE_co_uk) March 10, 2017