This morning, the Daily Mail front page dared to look past the minutiae of Brexit – can my EU partner still live here? Why is my holiday so expensive? Should we be worried that David Davis looks like a man who’s ended up a minister because he lost a bet? – to ask the really big question.
Yes, indeed. Who is Top of the Tibia? Who shines in the shin department? Which of these impressive, powerful women has lower limbs which best conform to our arbitrary beauty standards?
In the accompanying article, Sarah Vine (herself the owner of not one, but TWO lower limbs) wrote that the women put on a show of unity with “two sets of hands clasped calmly on the arms of their respective chairs”, disdaining the usual diplomatic practice of accompanying discussions about Article 50 with a solemn, silent re-enactment of the Macarena.
Vine adds: “But what stands out here are the legs – and the vast expanse on show. There is no doubt that both women consider their pins to be the finest weapon in their physical arsenal. Consequently, both have been unsheathed.” That’s right, people: Theresa May has been unafraid to wear a skirt, rather than a pair of trousers with one leg rolled up like LL Cool J. A departure for Mrs May, to be sure, but these are uncertain times and showing off just one calf might see the stock markets plunge.
The prime minister has come to the bold decision that her legs are the “finest weapons in her physical armoury”, when others might argue it’s the sharp, retractable venom-filled spurs on her fore-limbs. (Oh wait, my mistake. That’s the duck-billed platypus.)
As ever, the bien-pensant left is squawking about sexism and avoiding the real issue: who really won Legs-it? Well, there will be no handwringing over how this is a belittling way to treat two female politicians here, thank you very much. We shall not dwell on the fact that wearing a skirt while doing politics is not really remarkable enough to merit a front page, oh no. Instead, we shall bravely attempt to answer that Very Important Question.
Who really won Legs-it?
1. David Cameron
We might not know who won Legs-It, but let’s be honest – we all know who lost. David Cameron here has clearly concluded that, much like Andrew Cooper’s pre-referendum polling results, his legs are best hidden away while everyone politely pretends they don’t exist.
Legs-It Rating: 2/10
2. Michael Gove
Fun fact: Michael Gove’s upper thighs are equipped with sharp, retractable claws, which aid him in knifing political rivals in the back.
Legs-It Rating: 8/10
3. David Davis
Mr Davis’s unusually wide stance here suggests that one leg doesn’t know what the other is doing. His expression says: this walking business is more difficult than anyone let on, but I mustn’t let it show. Bad legs are better than no legs.
Legs-It Rating: 6/10
4. Boris Johnson
Real talk: these legs don’t really support Boris Johnson, they’re just pretending they do to advance their career.
Legs-It Rating: 6/10
5. George Osborne
Take in these long, cool pins. These are just two out of George Osborne’s six legs.
Legs-It Rating: 9/10
6. Liam Fox
In the past, Liam Fox has faced criticism for the way his left leg follows his right leg around on taxpayer-funded foreign trips. But those days are behind him now.
Legs-It Rating: 10/10
7. Nigel Farage
So great are the demands on the former Ukip leader’s time these days, that his crotch now has a thriving media career of its own, independent from his trunk and calves. Catch it on Question Time from Huddersfield next month.
Legs-It Rating: 7/10
After fearlessly looking at nine billion photos of legs in navy trousers, we can emphatically conclude that THEY ARE ALL BASICALLY THE SAME LEG. Life is great as a male politician, isn’t it?