As the economy teeters on the verge of oblivion, and the Prime Minister grapples with steering the UK around a black hole of political turmoil, the Telegraph is making the best of a bad situation.
The paper has posted a video labelled “100 reasons to embrace Brexit”. Obviously the precise number is “zero”, but that didn’t stop it filling the blanks with some rather bizarre reasons, floating before the viewer to an inevitable Jerusalem soundtrack:
Cheap tennis balls
At last. Tennis balls are no longer reserved for the gilded eurocrat elite.
Keep paper licences
I can’t trust it unless I can get it wet so it disintegrates, or I can throw it in the bin by mistake, or lose it when I’m clearing out my filing cabinet. It’s only authentic that way.
New hangover cures
An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to hoover up dust by inhaling close to the carpet.
Old-fashioned light bulbs
I like my electricals filled with mercury and coated in lead paint, ideally.
No more EU elections
Because the democratic aspect of the European Union was something we never obsessed over in the run-up to the referendum.
End working time directive
At last, I don’t even have to go to the trouble of opting out of over-working! I will automatically be exploited!
Drop green targets
Most people don’t have time to worry about the future of our planet. Some don’t even know where their next tennis ball will come from.
No more wind farms
Renewable energy sources, infrastructure and investment – what a bore.
I like my personal identification how I like my rinse.
UK passport lane
Oh good, an unadulterated queue of British tourists. Just mind the vomit, beer spillage and flakes of sunburnt skin while you wait.
No fridge red tape
Free the fridge!
Pounds and ounces
Units of measurement are definitely top of voters’ priorities. Way above the economy, health service, and even a smidgen higher than equality of tennis ball access.
Wait, what kind of bananas do Brexiteers want? Didn’t they want to protect bendy ones? Either way, this is as persistent a myth as the slapstick banana skin trope.
I don’t understand.
Small kiwi fruits
Fair enough. They were getting a bit above their station, weren’t they.
No EU flags in UK
They are a disgusting colour and design. An eyesore everywhere you look…in the uh zero places that fly them here.
To celebrate Ukip cleaning up the east coast, right?
No olive oil bans
Finally, we can put our reliable, Mediterranean weather and multiple olive groves to proper use.
No clinical trials red tape
What is there to regulate?
No Turkey EU worries
True, we don’t have to worry. Because there is NO WAY AND NEVER WAS.
No kettle restrictions
Free the kettle! All kitchen appliances’ lives matter!
Less EU X-factor
What is this?
Ditto with BGT
I really don’t get this.
Mainly racist slurs, right?
Keep our UN seat
Until that in/out UN referendum, of course.
No EU human rights laws
Yeah, got a bit fed up with my human rights tbh.
Herbal remedy boost
At last, a chance to be treated with medicine that doesn’t work.
Others will follow [picture of dominos]
Hooray! The economic collapse of countries surrounding us upon whose trade and labour we rely, one by one!
Better English team
Ah, because we can replace them with more qualified players under an Australian-style points-based system, you mean?
An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to dry my hair by yawning on it.
She would’ve wanted it [picture of Margaret Thatcher]
Well, I’m convinced.