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20 July 2016updated 29 Jul 2016 2:02pm

In need of political escapism? Never fear, Owen Smith is here

He would like you to know that he is a potent force, waiting to be unleashed.

By Eleanor Margolis

It has recently become evident that we are living Dark Times. But in the wake of Brexit; in the aftermath of terrorist attacks on our neighbours and in the midst of a Labour Party falling apart like wet toilet paper, we can rest assured of one thing. One thing that, I’m sure, has had the nation on tenterhooks the likes of which we haven’t experienced since the Euro ’96 semi-final penalty shootout.

Sleep soundly, British public – Owen Smith can get it up. The Labour leadership contender reassured us of his skill at getting erections, live, on ITV, with Piers Morgan. When questioned this week on Good Morning Britain about his former position at Viagra manufacturer Pfizer, Smith told Morgan, co-host Susanna Reid, and the nation, that he never got high (so to speak) on his own supply. That he, the member of Parliament for Pontypridd, aged 46, can get boners without pills. That, now Angela Eagle has halted her campaign, the contest is between a man with the leadership skills of a pigeon caught in a vent, and a man who doesn’t need Viagra, thank you very much.

I know who I’d vote for. The dick guy, obviously. Sure, he’s as remarkable (both facially and personality-wise) as a rainy Tuesday in February, but at Labour’s most impotent (sorry, turns out I’m not too good for this…) moment in recent history he is at least… potent.

Penises have featured, well, more than usual in political campaigns of late. Across the pond and the political spectrum, Donald Trump responded – in March – to Marco Rubio’s comments about his “small hands” by assuring the US electorate that there is “no problem” with his hands or, in spite of the portrait that tattooed “Donald Trump naked” onto everyone’s Google search history, “anything else”.

And we all know, of course, that wha’sname who used to run this country maybe stuck his right honourable member in a pig’s mouth as part of a hilarious Oxford jape. Which served as a reminder that – dating most notably back to when, post-presidential BJ, Monica Lewinsky and not Bill Clinton became public enemy number one – men in power can do pretty much whatever with their penises. Cameron emerged from #piggate a “lad”, rather than a disgrace. Imagine, if you will, Theresa May’s position after accusations of bestiality. Shit, imagine the kind of mess the PM would be in if it emerged that she so much as peered into an Ann Summers once.

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Anyway, this is a big day for Owen Smith’s knob. Lest we forget. I invite any of the various women in power to announce, on live telly, that their vaginas are in full working order. Although I wouldn’t recommend it, seeing as it would beckon the inevitable Twitter storm followed by a prompt resignation. In all fairness, I’m not sure how Smith should have answered a question about whether he has ever used Viagra. But, seeing as we’re all mental for political peen these days, perhaps he should’ve had a statement prepared.

If, having read this article, your mind is as bloated with grotesque images as mine is after writing it, I suggest you contemplate one or all of the following:



The Labour leadership crisis

Right. Safely back to square one? Enjoy the glow. Enjoy a world devoid of thoughts of Owen Smith’s bewooded schlong. Oops. Sorry. 

This article previously made reference to a 2008 article in the News of the World Newspaper concerning Max Mosley, the former President of the FIA, the governing body of world motorsport. Our article referred to the “Nazi” allegation, which was disproved by Mr Mosley during his successful case against News Group Newspapers. The New Statesman accepts that this allegation was false and apologises to Mr Mosley that the article did not make this clear.

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