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23 October 2015updated 07 Sep 2021 11:18am

Harriet Harman would make a rotten barman – and other general election clerihews

By Craig Brown

David Cameron

Is inclined to stammer on

Non-doms; but on “zero hours”

He positively cowers.

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Ed Miliband

Is a silly brand:

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Hell, yeah! I couldn’t feel sorrier

For that Unhappy Warrior.

Natalie Bennett

Insists, again, “It

“Is all about basically – cough – what
          I would say is that –

“What we’re talking about is what we’re –
          cough – still looking at.”

Nick Clegg

Has been taken down a peg.

Today, you can’t be too quick

To snap: “I disagree with Nick.”

As Nicola Sturgeon

Began to burgeon

Things went topsy-turvy

For Jim Murphy.

Nigel Farage

Faced with a barrage

Of abuse, says “Frankly, I’d ban it”

To the voters of Thanet.

George Osborne

Was born

To rule; and with a touch of lard he

Styles his hair like Oliver Hardy.

Krishnan Guru-Murthy

Seems a little curt; he

Never recovered from his beano

With Quentin Tarantino.

David Dimbleby

Remains nimble – he

Displays consummate ease

Saying, “Next question, please!”

Jon Snow

Is full of get up and go,

But I’d avoid setting eyes

On those ties.

Evan Davis

Knows the way to behave is

Not to act so

Cross as Paxo.

Peter Hennessy

Is a bit of a menace; he

Has done more to bore me than

Any other historian.

Vince Cable

Is exceptionally able

But a book I won’t be reading twice is

The Storm: the World Economic Crisis.

Chuka Umunna

Hums “Una Paloma

Blanca”, and radiates bonhomie

While discussing the economy.

Tony Blair

Talks a lot of hot air;

Or is calling for party unity

An investment opportunity?

Liam Fox

Remains tox-

ic; but to his credit he

Stays in touch with Adam Werritty.

Alastair Campbell

Springs back, like a bramble,

Reaching for Weapons of Mass Destruction

Whenever there’s a ruction.

Chris Huhne

Is over the moon:

“Within a year or two

“I hope to be known as ‘Chris Who’?”

Harriet Harman

Would make a rotten barman:

As you were shooting the breeze

She’d call: “Time, gentlemen, please!”

Eric Pickles

Is a martyr to tickles –

The redistribution of riches

Has him in stitches.

John Bercow

Is a bit of a jerk; oh,

And nor am I pally

With Sally.

Ed Balls

Mauls, brawls,

Bawls, galls and caterwauls;

But then palls.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Looks on agog:

“Things have gone speedily downhill

“Since the Great Reform Bill.”

Grant Shapps

Is the discreetest of chaps:

He’s seldom seen

Wearing the name-tag “Michael Green”.

Russell Brand

Says: “Why bother to stand

“When I can make a bigger stink as

“One of the World’s Four Most
            Influential Thinkers?”