The unbearable lightness of Special K

The Adgenda: this weeks most ridiculous advert.

The new Kellogg’s advert for Special K sets out to be poignant in its first line: “from the day we are born, we are defined by a number”. If only this were the whole story; a number is pretty easy to hide. Nobody writes their measurements on their forehead before they leave the house, nor does Facebook demand a kilogram quantity as you fill in your details. We (and of course, though the advert failed to specify, this means “women”) are more defined by appearance and proportion of our bodies. However, it rambles on, asking “but is a number inspiring?” as if when women consider their size as anything other than numerical they immediately float with inspiration. Yes, maybe weight should be lost based on how we feel over how we weigh, but unfortunately how we feel rather depends on how we compare to the standard model of beauty – a standard ironically portrayed by the clingy red dress on the Special K box.

The ad claims “we believe in a more powerful motivation”, following with a stream of inspirational buzz-words that all translate into an irrational desire to fit into that red dress they love so much. And their inspiration knows no bounds: surely if they throw in a couple of other cultures and languages, it’ll show us that women across the globe should all go out of their way to feel accepted for their body shape! They seem to think they’re playing a valuable part in women’s fight to be seen as more than just a splodgy shape of either suitable or unsuitable proportions. Congratulations, you’re focusing on how women feel about themselves rather than how they look, have a cookie for ending female body issues once and for all! Nope. If how women feel about themselves still has to depend on how heavy they are, you’re not creating any sort of magical self-acceptance. “What will you gain when you lose?” I don’t know, what do you expect? Confidence, possibilidades, or perpetuated gender ideals? 

“From the day we are born, we are defined by a number” Photograph: Getty Images
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“Trembling, shaking / Oh, my heart is aching”: the EU out campaign song will give you chills

But not in a good way.

You know the story. Some old guys with vague dreams of empire want Britain to leave the European Union. They’ve been kicking up such a big fuss over the past few years that the government is letting the public decide.

And what is it that sways a largely politically indifferent electorate? Strikes hope in their hearts for a mildly less bureaucratic yet dangerously human rights-free future? An anthem, of course!

Originally by Carly You’re so Vain Simon, this is the song the Leave.EU campaign (Nigel Farage’s chosen group) has chosen. It is performed by the singer Antonia Suñer, for whom freedom from the technofederalists couldn’t come any suñer.

Here are the lyrics, of which your mole has done a close reading. But essentially it’s just nature imagery with fascist undertones and some heartburn.

"Let the river run

"Let all the dreamers

"Wake the nation.

"Come, the new Jerusalem."

Don’t use a river metaphor in anything political, unless you actively want to evoke Enoch Powell. Also, Jerusalem? That’s a bit... strong, isn’t it? Heavy connotations of being a little bit too Englandy.

"Silver cities rise,

"The morning lights,

"The streets that meet them,

"And sirens call them on

"With a song."

Sirens and streets. Doesn’t sound like a wholly un-authoritarian view of the UK’s EU-free future to me.

"It’s asking for the taking,

"Trembling, shaking,

"Oh, my heart is aching."

A reference to the elderly nature of many of the UK’s eurosceptics, perhaps?

"We’re coming to the edge,

"Running on the water,

"Coming through the fog,

"Your sons and daughters."

I feel like this is something to do with the hosepipe ban.

"We the great and small,

"Stand on a star,

"And blaze a trail of desire,

"Through the dark’ning dawn."

Everyone will have to speak this kind of English in the new Jerusalem, m'lady, oft with shorten’d words which will leave you feeling cringéd.

"It’s asking for the taking.

"Come run with me now,

"The sky is the colour of blue,

"You’ve never even seen,

"In the eyes of your lover."

I think this means: no one has ever loved anyone with the same colour eyes as the EU flag.

I'm a mole, innit.