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20 January 2015

The 8 opinions everyone is having on the end of Page 3

How to have the hottest take on the biggest media story of the day.

By Media Mole

So, it seems the Sun has scrapped Page 3 – and the world must know your thoughts on it! Hmm, how to convey that mixture of world-weary resignation and lofty zeal that your friends know and love? Here are some ideas:

1. “Page 3 is scrapped? WHERE WILL PEOPLE SEE BREASTS NOW????”

Good, if entry-level. You are demonstrating an awareness of the existence of internet porn, which makes you look like a sexual flaneur, and conveying a sense of ennui about the possibility of change. Isn’t everything, ultimately, pointless, though? Why bother trying to do anything? This is sturdy: implicitly denigrating the campaign for not being ambitious enough, while subtly implying that making a broader point would be pointless anyway. But you can do better. Try:

2. It’s pages 1, 2, 4 and onwards I object to!

Excellent stuff. You have demonstrated an ability to count, for a start, plus implied once again that the Page 3 campaign was not ambitious enough. Anything less than the total destruction of capitalism, complete with the Sun‘s staff imprisoned in a burning wicker man shaped like Collette, 19, from Widnes, is not worth the candle. 

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3. What about the licence fee? That’s the real scandal!

Brave, but misguided. No one wants spray-and-pray whataboutery this morning. Try something more targeted.

4. Funny it was announced in the Times, eh!

Solid media studies point. The Sun is a newspaper, and yet it did not announce the biggest news of the morning. 

5. The Sun would have made this decision sooner, if feminists hadn’t made a fuss. They kept it to spite you.

Strong take. Everyone knows the best way to win a civil rights battle is to make sure not to ask for anything at all, in case it upsets those with power, or puts them on the defensive. If there’s one thing Important White Men love, it’s giving up power and privilege! Damn you, Clare Short. We could be living in a feminist utopia by now if only you’d kept your big mouth shut.  

6. Oh, I see. They’ll have bras on now. Wot a victory for feminism! You’ve got nothing to campaign about now.

Yes, I imagine “Feminism” will probably go home, have a hot bath (with the lights off! Feminists hate female bodies!) and call it a day. FOR EVER.  There is no merit whatsoever in ending a huge symbol of the unequal treatment of men and women in our national press. 

7. Putting Page 3 models out of work! How feminist. I thought feminism was about women being able to do whatever they wanted?

Are you on glue? That is not what feminism is about, you dolt. Otherwise we should all have to celebrate the “empowered choices” of female serial killers (they can murder just like the boys!). Feminism is about the equality of men and women. If you want to look at it your way, anyway, it’s been extremely unfair on men that they haven’t been able to whack an areola out for cash in the Sun all these years. What about them, eh? Yeah. 

8. Wow, the Page 3 campaign had a simple, symbolic goal and they campaigned for it with wit, good humour and persistence! Congratulations!

You, er, haven’t got the hang of this internet thing, have you?

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