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3 June 2002updated 24 Sep 2015 12:31pm

Royal rumours

Junk the Jubilee

By Johann Hari

Among the many scurrilous and untrue rumours that have circulated about the royal family are the following:

Prince Philip is a serial adulterer. In 1956, Elizabeth discovered that Philip was sleeping with her cousin Princess Alexandra. She then banned him from her bed except for reasons of procreation. The long list of subsequent alleged mistresses includes Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Prince Philip is not the father of Prince Andrew. Elizabeth has had a lengthy affair with a leading member of the racing fraternity. Cabinet papers from 1959 – when the government discussed the royal family three times but decided to make its documents ultra-secret for 100 years – discuss the affair.

Elizabeth also had an affair with the 7th Baron (Patrick) Plunket, deputy master of the royal household. When he died in 1975, she had him buried in the royal family’s private burial ground, and personally designed his tombstone.

Prince Harry is the son of James Hewitt. Harry has his lanky frame, ginger hair, freckles and jawline. Diana met Hewitt much earlier than has been supposed.

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Prince Philip has a number of children born to other women. Barbara Cartland told the American author Kitty Kelly: “I know all about Philip’s illegitimate daughter in Melbourne – but I’m not going to talk about it.”

Prince Philip authorised the assassination of Diana and Dodi Fayed. The couple were planning to marry, and the British establishment could not tolerate the prospect of a future king acquiring a Muslim half-brother. Philip used his influence to get MI6 agents (including Henri Paul, the driver of the Mercedes in which Diana died) to murder the couple. Paul’s blood – which indicated high levels of alcohol and tranquillisers – was not, in fact, his at all. It was swapped at the hospital.

The Queen is not at all what she seems. Behind her suspiciously youthful flesh, she is in fact a 12-foot lizard. A cabal of these lizards (whose other members include George Bush Sr and the Pope) secretly manipulates world events.

Charles had a long and sustained affair with Camilla Parker Bowles throughout his marriage to Diana, whom he never loved. The night before his wedding, he gave Camilla gifts and told her he loved her. Oops – that one’s true, actually.

Sources: Nicholas Davies, Queen Elizabeth: a woman who is not amused; Lady Colin Campbell, The Royal Marriages; Kitty Kelly, The Royals; the National Enquirer; Mohamed Al Fayed; David Icke; www.throneout.com; and elderly women at every bus-stop in Britain.

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