Time of death: 16:00. Cause of death: cracked. We are sad to announce that this weekend saw the untimely and unfortunate demise of the Twitter Egg – the default profile picture known as the face of internet trolls everywhere. The egg has been replaced by a generic (and fitting) shadowy man; the egg is dead.
TWITTER Those egg accounts that spew venomous insults all day-
ME You banned them?
TWITTER -we made their avatars look like car headrests
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 31, 2017
But do we do enough, collectively, to mourn the dead? Egg leaves behind a partner, Blue Bird, and an unwanted child, DM Slide, after a short, and cruel, seven years of life. Are we happy to simply relegate him (it’s always a him) to the past? Are we willing to forget all he did for us?
Egg is just one of many internet behemoths who once ruled over our accursed world (wide web) – it is time we remembered them.
Jeeves, 1996 – 2006
Aged just 10, Jeeves (first name unknown) was callously murdered by his own mother, Ask. Though she denied the accusations and briefly brought Jeeves “out of retirement” in 2009, it was immediately apparent that this was not the real 2D butler, but a 3D lookalike hired to quash rumours. In life, Jeeves was a well-loved member of the community who according to close friends “was always willing to answer questions, no matter what”. Now, there is only one question left to ask the beloved butler. Jeeves, how can we avenge you?
Yellow Running Man, 1997 – 2011
Yellow spent all 14 years of his life running, motionlessly, to selflessly bring the internet from the internet tubes into your internet box. A charity man through and through, Yellow’s family – two adults and two kids in a triangle – wish him to be remembered for his generosity of spirit, and not the screeching noises that followed him wherever he went.
SmarterChild, 2001 – 2007
A frequenter of both AIM and MSN, SmarterChild was an exceptionally social young boy who, aged just two, could tell you the weather in any town, city, or country in the entire world. Despite this impressive talent, Smarter was frequently tricked into saying rude words such as “butt” and “sex”, and spent much of his life fending off inappropriate advances from firstname.lastname@example.org.
Mr and Mr Blue and Green Guy, 1999 – 2011
The Guys were such an inseparable couple that friends and family frequently remarked that they never saw one without the other. As the guardians of MSN Messenger, Blue and Green spent many happy years with their friends (since deceased) Appear Offline and Nudge. After frequent cosmetic surgeries to change their appearance for a “cooler, younger” vibe, the Guys succumbed to old age. They died as they lived: holding hands.
The Google Exclamation Mark, 1998 – 1999
Mark was the youngest son of G, the internationally famous head of the Google family. Mark’s appearance led to turbulence within the previously tight family, as many saw his behaviour as unruly, wild, and insincere. Ultimately, his father shipped him off to military camp, where he turned himself around and became the ‘i’ of Apple’s iPod Classic, before a ruthless discontinuation in 2014.
The person the Snapchat ghost was before he died, c.1900 – unknown
Little thought has been spared for the man, or woman, who has become synonymous with dog-faced filters and ephemeral nip pics. Before the sheet-like ghost became the logo of the social media app, they were undoubtedly a living, breathing human with hopes and dreams of their own. Who were they? How did they die? Who did they leave behind?
The Twitter bird’s eyes, 2009 – 2010
Honestly, just sick.