Selfie sticks are the worst, there’s no denying it. I was so close to having a selfie stick-free weekend wandering around London aimlessly. But I made the mistake of walking across Westminster Bridge and saw plenty in action. And who can blame Londoners and tourists wanting to frame themselves right next to views of parliament or the London Eye on the opposite side? I’m a sucker for excellent views, like anybody else.
Whereas selfies are inherently a necessary evil for all of those apps that require a decent profile picture, the stick takes this indulgence to a whole new level. Before this metal, phone-holding pole became hilariously popular across the globe, we all had to do the unthinkable (prepare to gasp): ask someone to take a photo of us! How strange and good-hearted of us to trust a member of the public with those brilliant point-and-shoot cameras that we’ve now stuffed in our attics and bedroom drawers.
I can understand using one in a secluded place where there’s nobody around. But isn’t the reason behind the selfie stick to basically minimise your interaction with others? After all, a human is going to take a better photo of you and your loved one on the Thames, instead of fumbling for the shutter button on the stick and trying to see the screen a few feet away. We’ve become too afraid and awkward to ask someone for this tiny favour. This level of awkwardness is just being translated into all sorts of stupid goods and services around the world. It’s as if the fictional Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm is being catered to in so many ways.
Heard of the Breakup Shop? Yes, it sounds exactly what you think it would be about. A company that can send an endearing Snapchat message so you can break up with the person you just took that selfie with. Even the now classic method of using email is too considered and measured. And by that I mean having the courage to send an email yourself, not via a third-party service. What happened to seeing people’s faces in the flesh and witnessing how our words affect them? We used to be so caring and thoughtful this way.
But of course, that’s a service for something serious a person with no courage could end up using. What about everyday, tedious matters? Silicon Valley has you covered! For example, you can avoid going to the petrol – sorry, gas – station and doing that thing car owners have to do frequently: fill up your tank with fuel. Don’t worry, this giant “inconvenience” can now be removed from your life through Purple. What’s that? It’s a service where you pay for fuel through an app and share your car’s location. At some point, a dude-bro (or sister) will pop round and fill up the fuel tank, so long as you remember to leave the cap open. Yes. This is a real thing.
The word convenience comes up very frequently with these superfluous start-ups. I think it all started to go into overdrive after Graze, a snack delivery service, which I can understand because I’d find it hard to make a low-fat cake and only restrict myself to a small cube for the whole week. Certain colleagues of mine are hooked to these sorts of things, so much so that I stick by my claim of Wall-E, in which humans are bolted to self-driving seats unable to move, being potentially the most accurate of all sci-fi films ever made.
However, other start-ups are so flat-out idiotic, you have to question why they exist, like Fetch Coffee. Why would you pay extra to have a Starbucks drink delivered to your door? After all, Starbucks sell that stuff in the supermarkets for you to make yourself when you are at home and away from one of their cafes. Are we simply so annoyed by the act of queuing and recognising each other’s existence that we want our morning coffee personally delivered to us in such a wasteful way?
It’s pretty simple. We’re all becoming fumbling, anxious outcasts, constantly inconvenienced by life itself. We’re determined to avoid interaction with others even more than is already possible. No wonder the best YouTube channels are of fellow citizens sharing stories of awkward encounters – they’re my favourite too.
These are all passive distractions we’re happy to engage in, so we can avoid sitting with someone for two minutes and provide, in the words of Dwight Schrute, undivided attention to others. It reminds me of an appearance by Louis CK on Conan O’Brien’s American talk show. He says everyone has something inside them that is “forever empty”, and we’re losing the ability to feel empathy towards others.
The most striking thing about following Adele’s re-emergence like a fanboy was the small atom of information saying she had returned to doing her own laundry again after giving up the chore. Perhaps it’s time we become happy and content in being able to wash our own clothes, fuel up a car and even ask someone to take a photo of ourselves. It’ll make us better people.