This England: Get into jail free

This column – which, though named after a line in Shakespeare’s Richard II, refers to the whole of Britain – has run in the NS since 1934.

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A wanted man rang officers at Burgess Hill Police Station to give himself in because he was so fed up of spending time with the people he lived with, Inspector Darren Taylor said.

The man was wanted for recall to prison but handed himself in to get some “peace and quiet”. Taylor added: “[The man said] he would rather go back to prison than have to spend more time with the people he was living with.”

West Sussex County Times (Ruth Guthrie)

[See also: This England: Don’t get the small stuff]

Norfolk’s Next Top Model

A dog-walker called police after spotting what appeared to be a body stuck in a Norfolk hedge – but it turned out someone was pulling their leg.

Once officers arrived at the scene, they soon discovered that what looked like the bottom half of a man kneeling in a hedge was, in fact, part of a mannequin. It had been dressed up in a pair of blue jeans and black trainers, and was realistic enough to concern the dog-walker.

In a tongue-in-cheek Twitter post, King’s Lynn Police said: “No two days are ever the same in our job.”

Eastern Daily Press (Janet Mansfield)

[See also: This England: Men who Zoom with goats]

You’ve got to be kitten me

Fire crews were called to help save a cat stuck in a tree. An attempt had been made to retrieve the moggy after it became stranded ten metres up, but the cat’s owner was also left needing assistance.

The RSPCA’s Stephen Wickham said of the incident, which took place in Rochdale: “The owner had to be rescued…  and the cat managed to get down himself.”

Sunday Mirror (Amanda Welles)

[See also: This England: Flight of fancy]

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This article appears in the 03 March 2021 issue of the New Statesman, Humanity vs the virus

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