David Cameron running away from questions about Brexit is the most disappointing thing I’ve seen in ages

You could at least tread in some dog poo or something, you sod.

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What the blinking, bollocking hell is wrong with the man? Can this shed-bound pillar of ham not do anything right?

I’ll back up a bit. David Cameron – Eton, Oxford, Downing Street, a man so competent he enabled a mid-sized row in the Conservative party to metastasise into the biggest national crisis since Time named Hitler as its man of the year – has been talking about Brexit. He has not, obviously, been enjoying talking about Brexit, for the understandable reason that he a) called the referendum that allowed it to happen, and b) lost it, before c) buggering off into the sunset like a particularly mournful looking arsonist.

Anyway: his comments to BBC news this morning led the broadcaster’s political editor Laura Kuenssberg to tweet the following:

David Cameron! Using the word “running” and then instantly running away! The irony! The cowardice! The bliss!

So I clicked through to the film, in the hope of some light relief from the slow-motion collapse of my country, and what I got instead was... fine. The former prime minister of the United Kingdom answers some questions. His answers are not particularly interesting, but to be fair neither were the questions. No, he doesn’t regret the referendum. Yes, the Prime Minister has his full support. Well what else was he going to say? “Of course I regret the fact I’m going down in history as the man who pressed the big red button marked PLAGUE OF SHIT, but even so, fuck me, Theresa’s screwed this right up hasn’t she?” It’s never gonna happen.

But that’s OK, because I wasnt there for the answers. I was there for the running away part: that was why I’d bought my ticket, to watch Cameron running, scared, shamed, frightened even. And herein lies the problem:

He doesn’t run.

I mean, he doesn’t walk, either, but his gait doesn’t make it so far up the speedometer to qualify as a jog. I guess you could call it a trot.

At any rate: there’s no massive urgency about it, he just looks like a man who’s keen to finish crossing the road before the lights change. You get the impression he was a bit bored answering questions, but not that he found the fact they were being asked in any way uncomfortable. He just didn’t much fancy chatting any more.

Which is, y’know, what he always did. Back when he was PM, before everything was literally on fire, Cameron mastered the art of finishing an answer, giving a brisk nod and walking out of shot before the interviewer could say anything more. It was irritating mainly because it was so effective, but as a means of limiting risk without looking unaccountable it was top class.

This, though, feels like the final insult from Cameron. After all that he’s wrought – austerity, decay, the referendum, the increasingly terrifying mess that’s followed since – not only does he not seem bothered: worse, he doesn’t even make his lack of interest interesting. He just wanders off, into the background and out of our lives, probably thinking about his shed.

Screw you, dishface: screw you and the party you rode in on. And next time, at least have the good grace to trip over the kerb or something. Git. 

Jonn Elledge is assistant editor of the New Statesman, in charge of day to day running of the website and its sister site, CityMetric. You can find him on Twitter or Facebook.