How the hell does Derek Hatton look like that?

71 my ass. 

NS

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Look, I know there’s a lot going on in politics right now. I know that the Labour Party is splitting, that Brexit is six weeks away, and that there are a whole host of other problems being ignored to prioritise those two things. But something happened last night and this morning that has truly put all of those pressing issues entirely out of view – for me and, really, for thousands of people. And so, I must ask the question on everyone’s mind:

How the absolute fuck does Derek Hatton look like that?

Over the last 18 hours, Hatton has, following his readmittance to the Labour Party, been heavily photographed and televised. Look at him as he is today, and you’d think, “Wow, looks alright for a 45-year-old,” as I did. And then you’d immediately feel your neck snap in half from the whiplash of learning that Derek Hatton is in fact 71 years old.

You read that right. Derek Hatton is 71 years old. SEVENTY-ONE. This must be a lie, surely? This man was born in the 40s? Has nine grandchildren? Excuse me, but: there is no way. I refuse to believe it. This is a man who not only looks 45, but looks good for 45. There is just no possibility – I mean this, I think someone is fudging some numbers; I think we’re being lied to – that this man is in his seventies.

Some people have tried to tell me that this must be Dorian Gray situation: that Hatton must, somewhere, have a painting of himself growing older and older. But that can’t be it. Look at this picture of him from 1986 – he literally looks worse than he does right now. Derek Hatton is not simply maintaining his looks of yesteryear, but pulling some real-life Benjamin Button shit and getting younger looking over time.  

I just need to understand how that is possible at the age of – NEED I REMIND YOU – 71. And I would like to know as soon as possible who I need to kill to start the same effect.   

I would like to caveat this rant with the fact that I’m not from this country, and I know almost nothing about Derek Hatton. I know he defected from and was just re-admitted to the Labour Party, that he’s Scouse, and I am vaguely aware of the “a Labour council!” speech. But that is it. Do not get mad at me about his politics because, frankly, I don’t want to know if they’re bad. Derek Hatton is hot and I don’t need his potentially bad opinions to ruin that.

So if you’re planning to reply to this piece telling me I’m wrong, I have terrible news: I will never change my mind. Worse, I have learned from Hatton’s Wikipedia page that he is single. 

So don’t waste your time, my friends. Derek Hatton is a verified GILF, and no amount of dumb policies can stop that.

Sarah Manavis is the New Statesman's tech and digital culture writer.