View all newsletters
Sign up to our newsletters

Support 110 years of independent journalism.

  1. Politics
18 October 2017updated 09 Sep 2021 4:56pm

#MeToo and why even if we think it hasn’t happened to us, it probably has

We should focus on how many men raped, not on how many women were raped.

By Joana Ramiro

A few weeks ago, before the Harvey Weinstein allegations sent pundits their yearly memo that sexual violence is still very much a daily thing, a friend asked me if I had ever felt, at any point in my prolific sexual life, like I might have been in danger of serious harm. Had I ever been hurt, and if not, had I ever felt like I might have been, by no one other than my bedfellow, if I didn’t play my cards very right? And it struck me that, no, that had never been the case.

Indeed, as I read through the horror stories collected by the #MeToo hashtag, I realised I was in a very small minority. And I asked myself: “Why me?”

Women understand and live with sexual harassment – the patriarchy’s first warning shot to women – and assault – the full exercise of its violent power – as they would a Gorgon-like creature, with many venomous heads, sibilantly wrapping itself around our unsuspecting necks.

This is so much so that the first reaction I had when facing the simple fact that I had never been raped or threatened with rape was to think of it as abnormal. “Why has it never happened to me?” It’s not a question borne out of jealousy or alienation, but one borne out of fear. If it hasn’t happened to me yet, surely it will very soon – any day now?

The fact is, of course, that it has happened to me. Not in the horrendous way retold by thousands of victims through #MeToo, but in a variety of styles, various degrees of banter, pestering, and physical contact. And the reason why I discounted those events, some of which should certainly not be discounted, is because the reality of sexual harassment and contrived sexualisation is so prevalent, from such an early age, that if a woman were to recall all incidents of such a nature she would immediately cease to function and melt on the spot.

Select and enter your email address The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via morningcall.substack.com Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via saturdayread.substack.com Our Thursday ideas newsletter, delving into philosophy, criticism, and intellectual history. The best way to sign up for The Salvo is via thesalvo.substack.com Stay up to date with NS events, subscription offers & updates. Weekly analysis of the shift to a new economy from the New Statesman's Spotlight on Policy team. The best way to sign up for The Green Transition is via spotlightonpolicy.substack.com
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how New Statesman Media Group may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.
THANK YOU

From my own little treasure-trove of forgotten harassments, there was the 11-year-old who spent over an hour telling an eight year-old me how he would “fuck me” while the only adult supervising (unsurprisingly, a male) stayed impervious to my complaints about the boy’s behaviour. There was the balding, middle-aged man who used an overcrowded bus as an expedient to grind his crotch against my bum when I was barely 17.

And there was the drunk older man who robbed me of my first kiss, in a nightclub, after I repeatedly told him not to touch me as we danced. He grabbed me, thrusted me against his sweaty body, and proceeded to shove his tongue down my throat until I wrangled myself out. To my great embarrassment I shouted as I pulled away: “I have a boyfriend!” I didn’t, but he didn’t bother me again. I had pronounced the magic words, conjuring the totem that is another male.

The subtext to crying “I have a boyfriend” – something I am sure I wasn’t the first to claim in such an hour of need – is that my body belongs to another man, and that only for that reason, this man assaulting me is in the wrong. “You trespassed onto another man’s property,” it says. And it worked, for my sins.

Another way this Medusa works its way into our socially-constructed brains is that sexual violence will happen to you, if you act a certain way. Often it is women who enable this mentality. Which of you hasn’t heard from a well-meaning friend: “Catcalls? Best just ignore them, don’t give a man the satisfaction of your attention.”

And if you think this self-policing attitude is exclusive to the kind of woman who has never heard of Simone de Beauvoir and doesn’t like calling herself a feminist, think again. For it wasn’t that long ago that actress Joanna Lumley advised that women “don’t look like trash – they’ll rape you”, or writer Caitlin Moran suggested high heels made it harder to run away from predators.

Read more: The Harvey Weinstein allegations are monstrous. But it’s not just monsters who harass women

Every time they express their freedoms – be it social, professional or sexual – women are told that they might expect retribution. If you go out and get drunk, you will get assaulted. If you do well in your place of work, expect some indecent proposition from a powerful man. And if you are confident in your sexuality, you will almost certainly be raped.

These are the warnings, the scaremongering that women grow up with. That is why we hold keys between our knuckles walking home at night, that’s why we walk two more blocks and then back again if we hear steps behind us. #MeToo is not just a series of events, it’s a perpetual state of mind.

As part of #MeToo I saw many women, and men, correctly pointing out that we really need a hashtag for men to come forward and talk about the times in which they shouted something crass at a woman; about times their sexual advances were not welcomed and yet they persevered; about times they drunkenly had sex with someone and, in retrospect, are unsure of how much consent there really was. We should focus on how many men raped, not on how many women were raped. I agree.

But abuses of power are not always as clear-cut as a big movie mogul allegedly jerking off into a potted plant next to a young actress. To dismantle patriarchal power we need to learn about subtlety, about the pernicious ways of the many snakeheads. Until the time comes when women can enjoy their lives without the chaperoning presence of a man, or fearing some sort of misanthropic karma, we still have a long way to go. 

Content from our partners
The promise of prevention
How Labour hopes to make the UK a leader in green energy
Is now the time to rethink health and care for older people? With Age UK

Select and enter your email address The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via morningcall.substack.com Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via saturdayread.substack.com Our Thursday ideas newsletter, delving into philosophy, criticism, and intellectual history. The best way to sign up for The Salvo is via thesalvo.substack.com Stay up to date with NS events, subscription offers & updates. Weekly analysis of the shift to a new economy from the New Statesman's Spotlight on Policy team. The best way to sign up for The Green Transition is via spotlightonpolicy.substack.com
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how New Statesman Media Group may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.
THANK YOU