I’m not coping too badly with the news that I’m going to have to give up my £800-a-month Monster Munch and compact discs habit. Well, I’ve managed to channel my rage and fear into one short scream at a time between sentences, as I write, which is making me feel – in the grand scheme of things – actually quite grounded.
Sure, when the FT first announced that millennials need to channel £800 a month into something called a “pension” so as not to spend our twilight years in a festering quagmire of abject poverty, I may have let out a very long scream that lasted seven minutes. But I’m just doing short screams now, so good for me quite frankly.
What with rents being so low lately and jobs being so existent and well paid, let’s admit it guys, we’ve all been a bit frivolous with that meaty £10k annual surplus. Fear not though because I, a certified financial expert who only lives with her parents because she enjoys their company, am here to help. Here are some suggestions of things to do, to keep up your monthly dose of stamps and chaise longues, or whatever you’re into.
Popups
This is really simple. Next time you see one of those “make £1500 a week from home” popups, click on it. Who are you to say it’s a scam? You’ve never clicked on one before and that’s probably why you’re poor. If free market capitalism and the internet have taught me one thing, it’s that there are a lot of exceptionally kind people out there. Angels, basically. But no, get you, you’re too worldly and cynical to give them a chance to make you rich beyond your wettest dreams. I bet you read “The Newspaper” don’t you? No one ever got rich off newspapers, anyway. Except for Rupert Murdoch. Who, for all you know, kicked off his empire by clicking on whatever the Sixties version of popups was.
Kickstarter
Have you heard about this? It’s brilliant. It’s a website where you just ask for some money and internet people give it to you. I don’t know why I didn’t put this first, actually. You don’t even have to do any work. Just write, once a year, “I would like £10k for cocktails with flowers in them and burgers served on planks of wood”. It’s like a sort of spell, I think. Have you read The Secret? That reminds me actually: read The Secret.
Kanye
Yeah, “$53m of personal debt”, whatever.
“Yes I am personally rich and can buy furs and houses for my family,” Kanye Kanye-d, in a seminal tweet.
This isn’t advice, per se. More like inspiration. You too could marry a Kardashian and acquire tens of millions of dollars of resplendent debt. Technically. No one’s stopping you. You’re the one refusing to click on popups.
Crime
It’s a bad word, isn’t it? Makes you think of graffiti and wee smell. Remember though, the Kray twins were involved in crime and now there’s a film about them with Tom Hardy in it. So it’s probably fine. Start out as a thieving street urchin like the Artful Dodger (adorable) and, before you know it, you’ll be scamming Big Pharma poster douche, Martin Shhkreli. Apparently, it’s super, super easy.
Punishment
Stamp on men’s balls for money. Everybody wins.
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