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30 August 2018

9 policies for Nigel Farage’s 2020 London mayoral manifesto

Making the Circle Line a circle – and so much more.

By media mole

Nigel Farage, as the almost daily refrain goes, is back. This time, it seems he’s planning to run for the London mayoral election in May 2020.

Here are some policies your mole has come up for him, just to make it easier for him to come and destroy public life again for a bit:

1. Make the Circle Line a circle again

“The Circle line is as straight as our bananas would be if it was left up to the unelected Brussels Eurocrats. Let’s make it bendy again. Like a proper British banana. It’s yellow too.”

(This was actually a real-life Ukip manifesto pledge in 2010: “Ukip will return London’s Circle line to a circle.”)

2. Exit membership of Camden Market

“Londoners should have the freedom to make their own trade deals on plastic nose rings, bongs and psychedelic throws.”

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3. A wasabi pea amnesty for all pubs

“Take back control of pork scratchings.”

4. Exit membership of Portobello Road Market

“Londoners should have the freedom to make their own trade deals on antique candle snuffers, old pictures of Winnie the Pooh and Union Jacks.”

5. Equip all pensioners with knives

“Take back control of London’s streets, with my Shanks For Seniors initiative. Get a knife free with your bus pass.”

6. Exit membership of Columbia Road Flower Market

“Londoners should have the freedom to make their own trade deals on cheap herbs, dying sunflowers and a last-minute discount orchid.”

7. Stop Big Ben being renamed Massive Mohammed

“As the absolutely, 100 per cent true article in August 2017 from the Rochdale Herald warned, Big Ben is about to be renamed Massive Mohammed. We want our giant bells to stay British! #SayNoToMassiveMo.”

8. Town Criers on every Tube platform

“Every hardworking Londoner has the right to a gammon-faced boor in regalia shouting announcements about minor delays and engineering works at them while ringing a loud bell.”

9. Make Parliament Square a no-go zone for anti-Brexit protests

“I will forever defend the will of the people.”