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14 August 2017

5 unmissable Nigel Farage scenes from Bad Boys of Brexit: The Movie

It’s 2022, and the taps at Simpson’s Tavern have finally run dry.

By Julia Rampen

Farage is going to Hollywood, according to The Telegraph. It reports that a major studio there is planning a six-part series adapted from the referendum account by Arron Banks, a Ukip donor, The Bad Boys of Brexit. Banks and Nigel Farage are both expected to be executive producers on the series, which will probably go something like this…

1. The fight scene

In this gritty scene, Nigel Farage dares to enter the Canon’s Gait pub/crack den in Edinburgh’s dodgy Royal Mile, but has to flee after 50 young heroin addicts shout “choose life, choose a job”, “racist” and “Nigel, you’re a bawbag, Nigel you’re a bawbag, na, na, na, hey!”

Final shot: Nigel in the police riot van while the junkies mouth “bawbag” through the tinted glass.

2. The slow-motion kiss

Nigel stands waiting in the wings as his successor, Diane James, makes her first speech as Ukip leader. Together, they’ve conquered Middle England and seen of the Remainiacs. Yet he feels like their story is incomplete. Bond always gets the girl, he tells himself. 

Final shot: Diane James’s horrified face as his lips land on her cheek.

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3. The car chase

Nigel escaped the plane crash unscathed, and now he is driving down the M4, foot on the accelerator. He’s got to stop that traitor Douglas Carswell, before he ruins Ukip and Britain. He’s got to get out of the slow lane. But just then, a car overtakes him. It’s a bloody Pole. And another. They’re all here. All 831,000 of them. All on the M4. He’ll never stop Carswell now.

Final shot: pan out from Nigel Farage to blocked motorway as it begins to rain.  

4. The golden lift

Nigel opens a cigarette packet and finds a golden ticket – to meet Mr Brexit, the eccentric owner of the United States covfefe factory. Mr Brexit takes Nigel into his golden elevator and presses a button that shoots them out of the building and into space, where they meet an amoeba-like monster called Vlad the Knid.

Final shot: Vlad the Knid chewing up one of Nigel’s aides.

5. The war-time escape

It’s 2022, and the taps at Simpson’s Tavern have finally run dry. Everything is a grey and dull colour, because there are no longer any flights to Spain. All music is in a minor key. Nigel stands in the queue for the German embassy, his fedora pulled over his eyes. Across the road, the mob are tearing a Tesco assistant apart because the price of cheese is too high. Why did I leave you for that French waitress, Kirsten, he thought silently. I’m not a 50cl man. I’m a two-pint stein.

Final shot: the food rioters spy Farage and descend on him. The camera lingers on his black fedora in the gutter.