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  1. Politics
8 May 2017

Iain Duncan Smith rapped Eminem on live TV and it’s as horrific as it sounds

This is the end of life.

By Media Mole

Just when you sprung out of bed on Monday morning, optimistic that the fight against the march of fascism is ON and you’re up to the task, your dreams of a progressive future were shattered.

For upon Piers Morgan’s vehicle of hellish cheap sofa-based abandon Good Morning Britain, ITV (where else?), Iain Duncan Smith appeared. Former Work & Pensions Secretary, failed Tory leader, and egg dressed as Brexiteer. And what did he do?

Reader, your mole hates to bring you this grave news, but he rapped. He r a p p e d. To Eminem’s Lose Yourself. To. Eminem’s. Lose. Yourself.

“Of course, the Lose Yourself lyrics are lyrics for Diane Abbott,” he mumbles, his eyes shining with a moist mixture of fear and hope, as if he were about to try and impress the big boys by doing something cool and finally be accepted into their friendship group.

“Can we have it?” asks Morgan, finger on the trigger, lip curled in cruelty.

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“Well, it’s half way down,” explains Duncan Smith, as if positioning Eminem’s rap on a piece of sheet music is going to help him out of this one.

“And he says, erm” – sharp intake of breathy regret ­– “he opens his mouth, but the words don’t come out, he’s choking now, everybody’s joking now, and the clock’s run out.”

Watch how he nods along to the rhythm like a wooden puppet Humpty Dumpty, less and less sure with every lyric about why it’s come to this.

Watch it here, and then go back to bed and never get up: