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23 February 2007

Confused about colour

A young soldier writes, a nun with a burning issue and problems with incineration

By Marina Pepper

Dear Marina

I hear I am supposed to be green or blue or some colour. I hear that I need to turn off lots of lights. I am very set in my ways and enjoy the light to see the food I am eating, the document I am reading and the things I am doing. When going to bed I bump into the bed or the wall if there is no light to see where I am going. How do I change my colour but not my spots?

Paul, Surrey

If you are blue and want to go green, add yellow. Now I know the leader of the blue team is very keen on hugging the planet. But let’s face it, secretly he’s red. Or is red blue? Or are we really dealing with purple?

Oh it’s so confusing. Yellow on the other hand stands out. It’s bright and positive with a sunny disposition.

Just imagine if enough of us chose yellow. We could use the dosh currently earmarked for mad wars, Trident, ID card and NHS middle management to provide some serious spot cream for those who’s lights are on when no one’s home.

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THANK YOU

Dear Marina

I’m about to be posted to Iraq and am determined to see as much action as I can but because of my special status I’m worried I’ll be sheltered from what’s really happening out there. Can you use your powers to persuade the authorities to let me see some action?

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Harry from Wales

Harry. You are young, not bad looking, incredibly wealthy and with your whole life ahead of you.

Why on earth do you want to go play soldiers in one of the world’s most dangerous hell holes? Let them keep you back in a relatively safe cordoned off zone where you can spend your time wisely, honing your toothpaste squeezing techniques and tea making capabilities: skills that will set you apart as a thoroughly modern royal.

If it’s any consolation, a now retired army captain friend of mine claims he was 3km behind the front line in the last Gulf war when his unit received a direct hit from the Americans killing around half a dozen of his men. So even if you are kept well away from the locals, I am positive you can rely on friendly fire for thrills.

Good luck old chap – and remember – this government is relying on you to come back alive. Body bags are one thing. But a body bag with a royal crest will put considerable strain on the special cross-pond relationship and could cost a lot of Labour MPs in marginal seats their jobs at the next election.

Dear Marina,

I’ve been a nun for the past five years. So far it has been surprisingly easy to suppress carnal desires. This is probably due to the fact that, having been confined to the convent, there are no members of the male sex to tempt me from my ecclesiastical vows and fornication is but a distant memory. However, I have recently noticed that the Mother Superior has been making bedroom eyes at me and the other day in chapel, as she walked past me, her hand briefly but unmistakably cupped my right buttock. I have to confess that I have found these advances most exciting and my mind is now filled with a flurry of covetous fantasies. Do you think that I should respond to her come-hither looks and embark upon a highly illicit but wildly titillating affair?

What kind of convent keeps you away from the outside world but allows you to surf the worldwide web? This is surely the source of your corruption. That, and your Mother Superior obviously being possessed by the devil.

As I understand it, you will go to hell if you get into the sort of bad habits you’re suggesting. I’m not up on the specifics of what Christ finds acceptable in his wives (that is the deal isn’t it? You’re married to Christ?). But I’m sure a man so cool he can turn water into wine AND walk on the bloody stuff, isn’t going to make a fuss over how shall we put it … a little DIY activity. As we used to say at my all girls boarding school when asked where’s the soap? “…Yes, doesn’t it just….”

Dear Marina

This week my local county council gave itself planning permission to build an incinerator.

Myself and friends have campaigned against it for years.
What can we do now?

Tired and emotional, Newhaven

Keep objecting my dear. Write to the Government Office of the South East (GOSE) and to Ruth Kelly personally asking her to call in the application PSRuthKelly@communities.gsi.gov.uk

You can also sign the Downing St petition. https://petitions.pm.gov.uk/NO-INCINERATOR/
Downing St residents will ignore it, but it will make you feel better and let these twats know that lots of us are intelligent enough to understand that both the planning application and the waste local plan for Sussex are seriously flawed.

Keep going with the due process and when all else fails, squat the site (or get travellers to do it for you). You never know, if you can drag it out for long enough, someone in government might notice that if we want to keep global warming down to just 2 degrees, we will have to, among other things drastically reduce waste at source.

We could then ban this obsolete technology before this damn burner gets built.

Big love Newhaven – and to all communities in the UK fighting these fuckers– we fight to the last…..