Rory's week - Rory Bremner discovers his inner Scot

I was concerned I was struggling with David Davis's voice. But that's OK, because I won't have to bo

I wonder how closely Gordon Brown was following the House of Lords debate on assisted suicide. As the days turn into weeks, months and years, he must look with anguish at his boss and wonder if he is ever going to slip quietly away. After all, didn't Blair signal his intention a couple of years ago that he did not want to linger on in (or rather, being an) incessant pain? Of course, the spirit of the law is that it should be the victim who is the one suffering unbearably, and not the person carrying out the coup de grace, but that kind of legal nicety would surely be no match for the Attorney General's proven powers of interpretation. "In the real world, end-of-life decisions would inevitably move from the moral to the utilitarian," warned Lord Carter. Too bloody right, thinks Gordon: the sooner the better.

Ah, but wait. Just as Gordon's fingers, like Macbeth's, edge closer to the crown, his economic record is under greater and more critical scrutiny than ever. For the Tories, Labour's changeover cannot come soon enough; the prospect of four years of Britain's economic strength unravelling, with the man responsible in No 10, is enough to have them salivating. In that case, would Gordon have to approach Tony and beg him to carry on? And what would Tony's reply be? "Oh, well, if you insist"?

I was concerned while filming Bremner, Bird and Fortune that I was still struggling with David Davis's voice. But that's OK, because I won't have to bother now. "One of the marks of leadership, frankly, is going through the odd difficult day," he said. Blimey, if addressing the Tory conference as the party's favourite to succeed Michael Howard is a difficult day, how on earth will he cope later on? The more he plays down his weaknesses as not being important, the more you wonder what his strengths are, if they're not speaking, or presentation, or having the right image.

Whatever - the competition is now entering its Strictly Come Dancing phase, with candidates being eliminated one by one as the judges rate their performances for star quality, technical merit and style. Much has been made by the Times of the fact that neither Ken Clarke nor David Cameron was invited to Lady Thatcher's birthday party - a sure-fire boost to their campaigns, I'd have thought - but it seems the baroness's regular pantomime-dame performance, when she appears and smiles favourably on her chosen one, is being upstaged by the similarly coiffured but more self-important figure of Michael Heseltine. We must make the most of this entertaining sideshow. It's going to be a grim autumn, with Blair's anti-terrorism drive to the fore.

I'm intrigued to learn that Scotland's First Minister, Jack McConnell, is seeking to lure expatriate Scots (of which I am one) back home. It's suggested that the appeal may have something to do with the country's declining population, in which case we're being encouraged not just to return but to breed as rapidly as possible. He could even use the slogan "Go Forth and multiply". There's a whiff of eugenics about a Times report highlighting the celebrities who might be tempted. Imagine a breeding programme involving Lorraine Kelly, Gordon Ramsay, Kirsty Young, John Reid, Annie Lennox and Sean Connery. Donald Trump (expat Scot) could be in charge of recruitment ("You're hired!") and I imagine Bill Gates's passport application would work faster than one of his Microsoft ones. For my own part, I continue to enjoy the advantages of being a Scottish impersonator: the next election could feature Gordon Brown, Charles Kennedy and Liam Fox being interviewed by Kirsty Young, Gavin Esler, Andrew Neil, Nicky Campbell and Jim Naughtie. OK, I was joking about Liam Fox. For the rest, I'm afraid the evidence is clear. While you were busy worrying about asylum-seekers and Islamic militants, we were flooding across the border. It's not burqas you need to worry about, it's kilts.

We now know that it was God who told George Bush to attack Iraq. But who told God to attack New Orleans, Guatemala and part of Pakistani Kashmir? I think we should be told.

Bremner, Bird and Fortune concludes on 16 October on Channel 4 (8pm)

Rory Bremner writes for the New Statesman

This article first appeared in the 17 October 2005 issue of the New Statesman, Barack Obama