Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3659 Set by George Cowley

Two well-known comedians are PM and leader of the opposition. We asked for the cut and thrust of PM's Question Time.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Although I quite liked Peter Lyon's Eric and Ernie, I felt it departed somewhat from the spirit of the comp, although clearly not actually breaking the rules. A wee bit of a skive, I thought, as the cut and thrust from these two is pretty much indelibly etched into the nation's brains. Ditto those who sent in French and Saunders. Not a classic this week, but not bad either. £20 to the winners, as it's Christmas. The vouchers go to Adrian Fry.

Ben Elton With all due respect, Prime Minister - and I don't think that's much, eh, ladies and gentlemen? - this country wants a straight answer on Europe. Call a knob a knob, that's what I always say! So how about whipping it out right here and now for all to see. Eh?

Stanley Unwin Our policy regardingwise the integrad of Euro is clarity perfectified. Britain's economic cyclode must approximate to five critiri prior to commencal of the decidi process.

Elton The people of Britain don't understand all that! I've got more use out of my knob on a limp night - ooh er! - than this country's getting out of your government on this issue. What us farties wanna know is: what are these criteria?

Unwin Impo and expo figurines must equibalance on a slidey scale both firstly and thirdle, the fiscal taxi spend ration mustn't exceed, nobody must overgo the footsie and the pubby setric borrowlode mustn't flail.

Elton And then, finally, the downtrodden children of Mrs Thatch's Britain get to decide in a referendum, right?

Unwin Goodness, no!

Adrian Fry

Paul Merton OK, fire away then. I mean this is Question Time, isn't it? We are going into interrogation mode, I gather. I remember it from metalwork. I'd do something and the teacher would come round and say: "What's that supposed to be?" It was the same with art, really. I've led a very varied life, but I'm always getting asked the same question. Is it Groundhog Day? Is everything going to repeat itself? OK, fire away then.

Julian Clary Don't get ahead of yourself, you'll only go off half-cocked. Actually I thought about what I'd like to put to you, then chose a really big one. It's nicer that way, I think you'll agree. So here goes: does fiscal rectitude override the urgency of infrastructure needs for areas of relative deprivation?

Merton Blimey, he's lost the plot. He thinks he's Denis Skinner. Hallo, anyone at home? You're the leader of the Tory party, mate. See, where you're concerned, I pray to Stalin and want to eat the rich. But actually, we're just a pair of lying, power-crazed politicians out to screw the ignorant masses. Ideology is bollocks. Got it? Now we'll have to start all over again, again.

Clary Oh good, I'd hate to think that anything could force us apart.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Manning I don't know who the fook gave you chance to run railways. You're like a fookin disc-jockey: change the track, change the track. You wanna fookin give it to that Virgin, as God says to Joseph.

Izzard OK. So. Right. God's running the railways and, on the sixth day, he looks says, OK, what have we got? OK, railways. Bit of engine, whoomf, bit of carriage, very good, yeah, drivers - whoa, speedy! Need a red light . . .

Manning It's a fookin red light district, all right. All the sleepers are takin' it right up th' arse. It's about as fookin safe as a small condom wi' a big prick in it.

Izzard But hey, no, trains. And one train goes: Hey! Think I'm a right Tory bastard, OK, think I'll just run into the station and hide. I'm not public transport any more, I'm fucking private, man. I'll just pull up a siding and put on my slippers, with platform heels. Brush my teeth with Signal. Think I'll just run all the way to Edinburgh, up the A1 . . .

Manning There's a Scots train, an Irish train, a Welsh train . . .

Izzard And a gravy train, yeah, whole train just made out of gravy. Bisto! Out of a fucking packet. Mmmmm.

Will Bellenger

Kenneth Williams Has not the Prime Minister allowed his party's pro-European tendency too much influence?

Frankie Howerd Nay, nay, thrice nay. Better lead a party of pro-Europeans than a lot of no-nos like yours. Look, shut up a minute and let one of me sycophantic backbenchers have a go.

Williams Psycho fans? That's a good one. Fans of yours would have to be psychos.

Howerd Now look! I told 'em - those Europeans - up with this I will not put. We've got the Sovereign's tea to think of. No, really, Missus. You've got to tell 'em.

Williams You tell 'em? You couldn't tell a tart from a mince pie.

Howerd Wash your sexist mouth. You mean I couldn't tell a young lady from a mince pie . . .

Williams Ha! If the Prime Minister is so PC, why does he come trolling into this chamber [cat calls] . . . Of course it's a chamber - because it's gone to pot . . . saying child-minders can spank little children?

Howerd It's all right because I am PC. Honourable members describe me thus every day as they leave the car park. "PMPC," they say. Or, for short, "Afternoon, Constable". . .

M E Ault

No 3662 Set by George Cowley

The NS leader of 11 December remarked on "the departure from reality that marks all politicians who have been in office for a year or two". Could we have a speech from a prominent politician that subtly reveals a total departure from reality. Max 200 words and in by 11 January.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk