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22 January 2019updated 03 Aug 2021 11:49am

Is it okay to fancy Margaret Thatcher when she looks like Gillian Anderson?

Hot Thatcher. Code red. Code red.

By Eleanor Margolis

As the distinct possibility of a no-deal Brexit looms, and Greenland’s ice is reported to be melting even faster than initially thought, lesbians and bi women across the globe are facing their very own crisis: Hot Thatcher.

Gillian Anderson – our queen, our inspiration, number one on our lists of who we’re allowed to sleep with outside of a monogamous relationship – is set to play Margaret Thatcher in Netflix’s The Crown. And the announcement this week has sent us into a code red, the likes of which we haven’t employed since last year’s global hummus shortage. So as we stockpile our “no deal” medication and research the possibility of moving to Mars in the next fifty years, we should also be preparing for the event of fancying Thatcher.

For what it’s worth, I have a few suggestions for anyone who finds themselves attracted to Anderson’s representation of the woman who privatised with reckless abandon and implemented Section 28. Press pause. Take some deep breaths. Think of the plight of the miners. Eat some cornflakes (these were actually invented by John Harvey Kellogg as a libido-reducing foodstuff, which probably isn’t a thing but hey you’re distracted, right?). Most importantly though, and this may seem a little obvious, remember that Gillian Anderson is an actor.

Lest we forget, Thatcher was also played in 2011 by Meryl Streep. Meryl – our collective lovely aunt. “Why are you strangling the trade unions, Auntie Meryl? Oh the humanity.” Yes, it was all very confusing, but she didn’t really shit up the UK in unimaginable ways, did she? She’s Meryl Streep.

Plus, hot actors play terrible people from real life all the time. Christian Bale (who I’ve heard is quite hot) is in cinemas right now as Dick Cheney. Charlize Theron played serial killer Aileen Wuornos (although Wuornos was one of history’s more relatable murderers, so maybe that’s not the best example). The beautiful Ralph Fiennes played concentration camp commandant Amon Göth in Schindler’s List.

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The point is though, unless Gillian Anderson goes full method on her Thatcher role and starts to privatise the NHS, she’s still Gillian Anderson. And if she makes us a little bit horny for Thatcher, we could probably put that down to her mad skills as an actor rather than some innate desire in us supposedly left-wing queers to start a war with Argentina.

Let’s take a moment perhaps to appreciate how devastatingly believable Anderson is as pushy sex mum Jean Milburn in Netflix’s Sex Education. She’s giving us all mummy issues, not because we’re messed up (at least, not necessarily), but because she’s so damn good at acting. That’s what we need to keep on telling ourselves, anyway. Plus, all of X-Files is on Amazon Prime, for any of us in desperate need of a trip back to the time before Gillian Anderson was confusing.

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As Hot Thatcher looms like a giant, Tory éclair, maybe just think of Scully. Logical, level-headed, completely non-warmongering Dana Scully.