The Apprentice is back! And I’ve “met the candidates” (watched those excruciating interviews they make them do to get clips of them saying dumb things) so you don’t have to.
Here are all the candidates, ranked from low to high on their level of APPRENTICENESS:
Jackie Fast
All photos: BBC/Boundless Taylor Herring
“I am incredibly tight. We’ll only eat dinners where there are vouchers included. I re-use ziplock bags.” Unflashy boast? -5 points
“I re-use the saline in my contact solution, which is also pretty bad for you.” Health and safety risk level: 3 points
Apprenticeness: -2 points
Sarah Ann Magson
“I can down a pint in 4.5 seconds.” Unrelated boast? 5 points
She can gargle The Apprentice theme tune. Irreverence towards the format? -5 points
“I’ve never failed in any task I’ve ever done.” Unsuitability to the format? -5 points
“My USP is me.” Meaningless business-themed statement? 5 points
Apprenticeness: 0 points
Tom Bunday
“I think I’m a very fair person.” Unsuitability to the format? -5 points
“All the lads absolutely love me but all the girls absolutely hate me – because I’m having such a good time!” Delusion levels: 5 points
Won a tree-climbing competition for his college. Irrelevant childhood success story? 3 points
Apprenticeness: 3 points
Sian Gabbidon
“Kate Wright wore one [of Sian’s swimwear range], I think she was in Marbella, and it just went absolutely wild. Smashed it.” Lacklustre boast? 2 points
“I trialled for Leeds United Centre of Excellence.” Irrelevant childhood success story? 3 points
Apprenticeness: 5 points
Jasmine Kundra
“I will always favour logic.” Unsuitability to the format? -5 points
“There’s a pussycat in everybody that just wants to be stroked. It’s not pretty when it happens.” Mild sexual innuendo? 2 points
“All is fair in love and war, and business tends to be war.” CLICHÉ KLAXON! 5 points
“The way to spell entrepreneur is A-L-A-N-S-U-G-A-R. That’s the only spelling I know.” Shameless sycophancy? 4 points
Apprenticeness: 6 points
Kayode Damali
He’s a freestyle rapper. Gift to the producers? 5 points
“I’m very competitive.” Understated boast? -2 points
“Second place is just the first loser.” Bland mantra? 1 point
“Under this is a body of a god right here.” Irrelevant physical boast? 3 points
Apprenticeness: 7 points
Frank Brooks
“I’m not in here to look like a fool.” Delusion levels: 5 points
“I smell like success!” Bizarre boast? 4 points
“If I was like a dinosaur, I’d be a T Rex.” Aggressive animal comparison? 4 points
“Maybe I can be the Lulu to Lord Sugar’s Take That.” Irreverence towards the format? -5 points
Apprenticeness: 8 points
Sarah Byrne
“I talk really loud, especially when I’m excited, it just gets louder and louder…” Stimulus for a Karren Brady eyeroll and disappointment in women in business? 2 points
“I am a straight talker.” Claim to clarity? 2 points
“I won’t beat around the bush.” CLICHÉ KLAXON! 5 points
Apprenticeness: 9 points
Khadija Kalifa
“My phrase and motto is hashtag YOLO.” Bland mantra? 1 point
“Though apparently it’s outdated now – Drake did that in 2005 or whatever.” Self-deprecation? -5 points
“I would class myself as a mumpreneur.” Problematic gendered statement? 4 points
“I would liken myself to Queen B aka Beyonce.” Ludicrous boast? 3 points
“The poo sandwich strategy works really well.” Words that sound funny if Alan Sugar repeats them incredulously? 3 points
“I’m all about glass half full.” CLICHÉ KLAXON! 5 points
Apprenticeness: 11 points
Sabrina Stocker
“I’m uber uber competitive. I absolutely thrive to be the absolute best in the room.” Bland boast? 2 points
“I’ve always grown up being a tennis player.” Gift to voiceover pun writers? 3 points
“Nice, smiley Sabrina will turn into dragon-like Sabrina if things don’t go 100 per cent.”
Aggressive animal comparison? 4 points
100 PER CENT KLAXON! 5 points
“I would describe myself as Willy Wonka drinking an espresso martini… classy and sophisticated on the outside; a little weird, wacky and wonderful on the inside.” Unhinged Roald Dahl reference? 0 points
Apprenticeness: 14 points
David Alden
“By day, I’m a tax adviser, my night, I’m a mobile DJ.” Gift to the producers? 5 points
“I am a disco man.” Words that sound funny if Alan Sugar repeats them incredulously? 3 points
“I am the Duracell Bunny of the work world.” CLICHÉ KLAXON! 5 points
“I once designed my own Power Ranger and won the Power Ranger movie on VHS.” Irrelevant childhood success story? 3 points
Apprenticeness: 16 points
Camilla Ainsworth
“I’m a rottweiler in business, if you cross me, I would not be afraid to bite you.” Aggressive animal comparison? 4 points
“I will bite you if you annoy me or try and steal one of my ideas and pass them off as your own.” Odd threat? 4 points
“I’m an extremist. There’s no middle-ground. No Switzerland with me – I’m extreme.” Unhinged boast? 5 points
“I’m literally fluent in sass.” Words that sound funny if Alan Sugar repeats them incredulously? 3 points
Apprenticeness: 16 points
Rick Monk
“I will try and be a wolf.” Aggressive animal comparison? 4 points
“I’m better than painter-decorators, to be honest.” Lacklustre boast? 2 points
“Lord Sugar would definitely see some of him in me.” LORD SUGAR YOU WERE LIKE ME AS A YOUNG LAD KLAXON! 5 points
“If I spend a penny I need to make a pound.” CLICHÉ KLAXON! 5 points
Apprenticeness: 16 points
Kurran Pooni
“I’m pursuing an acting career. That’s a passion of mine and it’s what I know I can be the best at.” Bland boast? 3 points
“My motto for life – vibes speak louder than words.” Nonsensical mantra? 5 points
“When you watch the X Factor, people go on, they can’t sing, but they don’t know they can’t sing –you get similar sort of people in business. They’re delusional. I’m not delusional.” Delusion levels: 5 points
“No one on this planet offers what I can offer.” Unlikely boast? 3 points
“What I do eat, sleep and breathe is success.” CLICHÉ KLAXON! 5 points
Apprenticeness: 21 points
Daniel Elahi
“The most I’ve spent on a night out is 30,000 US dollars.” Twat levels: 5 points
“We had about 30,000 US dollars behind the bar. The sparklers coming to the table all night was brilliant. Behind the sparklers, obviously you get loads of girls, and it’s awesome. But the minute the bottle runs out, the girls disappear as well.” Problematic gendered statement? 4 points
“You’d rather cry in a Ferrari than cry in a Ford.” Weirdly sad boast? 3 points
“If I was a luxury item I would be a sportscar, fast, flash and all about the money.” Aggressive status symbol comparison? 4 points
“On the surface, people who look at me may think I’m all about the money, the cars and, you know, the girls. However, that’s not necessarily true.” Delusion levels: 5 points
“If I became a famous rapper, I would be MC Schemer.” Words that sound funny if Alan Sugar repeats them incredulously? 3 points
“I would say I’m 11 out of ten.” IMPOSSIBLE MATHS KLAXON! 5 points
Irrelevant physical boast? 3 points
Apprenticeness: 27 points
Alex Finn
“I know for a fact that I’m the best person possible for Lord Sugar.” Bland self-assured boast? 4 points
“I know for a fact because I’m Alex Finn and no one else has been Alex Finn before on The Apprentice, or in the whole world.” THIRD PERSON KLAXON! 5 points
“There’s pretty much nothing I wouldn’t do to get to the top.” Gift to the producers? 5 points
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“I’m good looking.” Lacklustre irrelevant physical boast? 2 points
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“I’m a complete 12 out of 10 for schmoozing, I can honestly dig my way into anywhere, please anyone.” IMPOSSIBLE MATHS KLAXON! 5 points
“When I was ten years old, I was the conker champion in my primary school.” Irrelevant childhood success story? 3 points
“I’m right 100 per cent of the time.” 100 PER CENT KLAXON! 5 points
“I’d love to meet someone like me – I’ve then got two really unique minds.” Nonsense English? 5 points
Apprenticeness: 34 points