1 July 2026

The World Cup needs fewer hydration breaks and more elderly violinists

The pains and pleasures of the 2026 tournament

The World Cup seems to have gone on for ages. I’ve lost all awareness of real time and real life. Think how the players feel, poor sods, with endless flights, strange bedrooms, different time zones and being shouted at. At least I don’t have that. We are now well into the knockout stages. But will I have to keep going to bed at 8pm in order to wake up for midnight mass – I mean, penalty dramas? Meanwhile, Hunt, do tell us: what do you think of it so far? The pains and the pleasures of World Cup 2026?

The pains

• Hydration breaks: Love the expression, and have adopted it. When I go for a wee, which I do on the hour, or to fill my glass, on the half-hour, I tell myself I am having an HB. Not that anyone is listening, except the tortoise. But I don’t like HBs in practice. They ruin and disrupt the game, changing the atmosphere and dynamics. It was noticeable in England’s game against Panama. The crowd booed the first HB. They wanted Bellingham on the ball, not on the water bottle.

• Low blocks: The back-page clever clogs go on about them all the time. Are they bungalows? Sun lotion on your private parts? Another coach speaking bollocks? Apparently, it just means a deep defence. I prefer “parking the bus”. At least that gives you a visual image.

• The stadium adverts: The ones around the perimeter. What on Earth is “ADI Predictstreet”? I looked it up and it says, “Fifa’s official predicting market”. Eh? And DoorDash? Is that when you are caught short? “Football Is Calling”– I quite like that. But whose message is it?

• Commentators: Putting on their serious faces to tell us the obvious. “That was a good pass.” They are unable to identify any local celebrity, unless it’s David Beckham.

• Gianni Infantino: Fifa’s boss, with the smug face. Has he got it in his contract that we must have a close-up of him on the TV coverage in every half?

• Scotland: Going out. So sad. Sob, sob. I will never wash my Scotland top. Ever.

• England: They have mostly been a right pain, with so little to enjoy or admire, apart from a few moments against Croatia. I sense Thomas Tuchel is as pissed off with them as we are. Surprisingly, the England fans have not booed yet. It’s as if they have never played against a packed defence before. Do they think they will earn points by keeping the ball in their own half? But at least they have not been beaten yet and topped their group. You will know by now whether they got through their first knockout game, against the mighty Congo. Keep it to yourself. I have got that delight to come.

The pleasures

• The elderly violin player: Who played the Bosnian national anthem. Such a delight.

• Half-time interview chat: Especially from the England assistant manager, Anthony Barry. So sensible, so fluent. Wish we had him in the BBC studio.

• No wrestling: As in the Premier League, in the penalty box, where the lumps try to strangle the attackers. No falling down and rolling over in agony. That has gone. Thank goodness. We have become almost civilised.

• Home-made banners: The sort held up by fans. “Thanks, honey, for watching the kids while I am at the World Cup.” Must have taken him ages to write.

• Female referees: Attracting no attention, just doing their job. Hurrah.

• Mug shots: The pre-game video clip of each player, when they are taking us through the line-ups. Each player tries to be different: serious, smiley, funny, pointing to their badge. Now we know what they do all day, stuck in their hotel. They practise faces. Wish Gazza was playing. He would have shown us his bum.

• Stars shining: On the whole, the world stars we all know and love, like Messi, Mbappé, Lamine Yamal, Ousmane Dembélé, Vinícius Júnior and Erling Haaland, have delighted us. So nice to see true class in action, formations flowing, players expressing themselves. Will we ever see that from Ingerland? Fingers crossed.

[Further reading: Cristiano Ronaldo is old, but not as old as me]