Justin Timberlake’s new music video is embarrassing in at least 37 different ways

We watched it so you don’t have to.

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You couldn’t accuse Justin Timberlake of trying to return to music quietly. His minute-long film promoting his upcoming album Man Of The Woods (which saw him beardedly frolic through the wilderness while a woman gushes “its like Wild West – but now”) provoked an array of thinkpieces about the hip hop star’s “pivot to whiteness”.

Now, he’s released the video for the single “Supplies”, a song that seemingly uses camping supplies as a metaphor for JT’s boyfriend credentials. “I’ll be the wood when you need heat / I’ll be the generator, turn me on when you need electricity,” he sings. “Baby, we'll be living in The Walking Dead / ‘Cause I got supplie-ie-ies.” Zombie apocalypse has never seemed less sexy, which is saying a lot.

So the video will be sexy End of Days camping, right? Noooooooooooo. You could not be more wrong. It is, somehow, worse.

We open in a Black Mirror style empty warehouse with a bunch of vintage TVs piled against one wall. Haven’t you heard of The Man Who Fell To Earth???

Justin Timberlake is wearing zippable tweed with a popped collar. Obviously.

He’s watching protesters show off slogans like END RACISM NOW, #METOO and THE FUTURE IS FEMALE, because Justin Timberlake is a male feminist and white ally now, duh. Didn’t you see him wearing a #TimesUp pin at the Golden Globes?! Janet Jackson who??? Woody Allen what now???

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s cut to the real stuff. Like, um, FutureTechFrenchRenaissanceHungerGamesAllWhiteStreetStyle. This makes sense.

Crocodiles!!!!! Which symbolise Death. Haven’t you read Peter Pan? Also, this video includes a representation of the Police, which is very brave, because of the current climate. #TrumpsAmerica.

Umbrellas!!!! #ClimateChange

WATCH OUT, THE MAN WITH THE GUNRUFF WILL SHOOT YOU. Fashion is violence. Or is wealth violence? Or are GunRuffs just weird and cool?!

Oh my God – is that Tom Hiddleston?!?

Do you think this guy was like – “Wait, he gets a ruff made of pistols and I just get my gran’s rollers? Are you for real?”

Anyway, these people are sheep, and irrelevant. Justin Timberlake and his sexy rebel girlfriend are the only truly sexy and rebellious people left in this society, because they don’t wear white OR gun ruffs, and their feet make footprints.

Yeah. I don’t even know what to say about this. I am already lost for words.

Forget the dystopia! Having fun! Isn’t hard! When you’ve got a library card, two jeeps, a flamethrower, and 54 friends with their own torches.

Super Hans??? What are you doing here? And what have you done with Justin Timberlake?!

Forget the library! It’s ILLUMINATI TIME!!!!

If Justin Timberlake had his way he’d SET FIRE TO THE ILLUMINATI!!! Or even LET A WOMAN DO IT!!! THIS GUY IS FOR REAL!!

Forget the illuminati! Justin Timberlake is leading a revolution in an edgy garage. Or rather, the unnamed sexy woman is! He’s not even centre stage, you know? Instead, he is being lifted on high on a car by a girl in a PUSSY GRABS BACK T shirt!!! Wow, he is so feminist. More feminist than, like, women.

In fact he’s so feminist he’s the only man at the all-female revolution!!! The ONLY ONE. You remember that scene from Mean Girls, where Damian turns up in a hoodie and glasses so he can be there for the all-women empowerment sisterhood scene? Well, this is like that, but more political. Thank God for Justin Timberlake, the only man to ever truly get feminism.

Now he’s rescuing people from their mind prisons!! Is this a metaphor for social media? The government? VR??!! Who can say.

Forget the revolution, let’s get to this back alley so we can re-enact popular 90s video game Tekken, but with kissing instead of punching. #LoveTrumpsHate.

Wait, forget the dystopian high-tech future! We’re now in the apocalyptic desert Mad Max future! Everything is covered in sand.

But wait! It’s all a dream? Or is it???? I guess we’ll never know.

Anna Leszkiewicz is the New Statesman's deputy culture editor.