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18 July 2017updated 30 Aug 2018 11:11am

17 reasons why Taylor Swift would be smuggled out of her apartment in a huge suitcase

The cradle rocks above an abyss.

By Anna Leszkiewicz

Last night, reports emerged from a photo agency called Splash News that Taylor Swift was being smuggled in and out of her own apartment in a giant black suitcase supported by two broad-shouldered men. A picture of the men lifting the suitcase was captioned: “Taylor Swift being transported in a huge suitcase from her Tribeca apartment into her truck, in the trunk.”

Screams of delight were immediately heard the world over, because this is the logical conclusion of every Taylor Swift tabloid story to date. Yet the agency has since gone back on its claims. “I literally just put the phone down from someone on Taylor’s camp,” a Splash representative, who did not want to be identified, told Spin. “We’re having to actually retract that.”

So the story has been retracted. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering why. Why this story exists. Why my life is so hard and painful. Why, if (purely hypothetically) Taylor Swift were being smuggled out of her home in a suitcase, she was, you know, being smuggled out of her home in a suitcase? Here are 17 speculative reasons why:

1. To get to the other side.

2. The suitcase is a metaphor for the claustrophobia of fame, and the impossibility of privacy in the digital age.

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3. The suitcase is a thought experiment devised by Austrian scientist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935.

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4. The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.

5. I will die if there is no more Entertainment News.

6. Do you remember that scene from the 2002 film Scooby Doo, where Scooby hides from a monster in a suitcase, is discovered, mutters “R-I’m a suitcrase, R-I’m a suitcrase”, panics, gives the monster a manicure with his teeth, outruns the monster on a bar countertop, wheels the Mystery, Inc. gang on a luggage cart through a glass window, and falls several feet to the ground? This is like that, except Taylor Swift is inside the suitcase.

7. “I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf. “And so do all who live to see such times.”

8. It’s not so much a question of volume as a question of the angles a 5’10” 27-year-old woman would have to accommodate herself to.

9. This is a case for the F.B.I.

10. Do you ever find yourself, utterly alone, letting out a wild, involuntary laugh?

11. The thing is, it’s really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs – if yours are really good ones and theirs aren’t. You think if they’re intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don’t give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do.

12. The suitcase would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that it has never asked to be part of, since 2009.

13. The undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will.

14. It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that the celebs are at it again.

15. What you are looking at is not a suitcase, but a highly-developed exoskeleton, formed over many months of bitter isolation.

16. In a Geiger counter, there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small, that perhaps in the course of the hour one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none.

17. I never think about death.