Plenty of bland dystopian fiction has been written about what might have happened if the Germans won the war: all that weil, ein and dass-ing, and the marching and the shoulder pads. As for the European Union? You can kiss “Ode to Joy” goodbye; better learn the lyrics to “Es zogen drei Burschen”, and quick! Sales at the red vertical banner factory are through the roof…
For all the ink committed to that counterfactual history, there has been almost none spilled about what might have happened if the HR managers at a Midwestern paper factory marched on Berlin in 1945 instead. What would Britain look like then? No dowdy German military anthems, thank goodness. But probably a country stripped of all its élan, style and wit in favour of regulations and manners and annual reviews. Government by thin-lipped bureaucrat, management by TM Lewin tie clips. Jokes are of course not illegal but heavily discouraged.
Anyone looking to investigate this artistic warren further has some useful source material in the shape and countenance of “Westminster City Council” – the ward responsible for Soho (a London neighbourhood spiritually antithetical to the concepts of city councils, tie clips and manners). The Guardian claims the council plans to discourage “vertical drinking” in Soho pubs – stand-up drinking is noisy, disruptive and encourages drunkenness. And, well, HR managers from Midwestern paper companies hate noise, disruption and drunkenness.
The drafted policy says that pubs should “discourage excessive drunkenness and encourage the provision of more seating in premises that serve alcohol for people to sit and enjoy a drink and order food by table service in place of open bar space that caters for high-volume vertical drinking”. It also reads: “The council will normally refuse any application made in respect of a premises located in the West End Cumulative Impact Zone that is a pub or bar, a fast food premises or a venue offering music, dancing and similar entertainment.”
Time to call the Pulitzer committee for Sparkling Prose. But first, we must think about what it all means. Soho (that’s the Cumulative Impact Zone to you!) has long been a locus of the nightlife culture wars – the old residents think the revellers are a loud and disorderly nuisance; the revellers say they have to be allowed to revel somewhere. As a result? Soho sure does go to bed rather early for an internationally vaunted nightlife destination. And now the council – reacting to pressure unspecified in its force, origin and goal – are doubling down on its efforts.
“Westminster City Council is not planning to stop you from standing up in the pub,” said Councillor Timothy Barnes – to which I am minded to say that it is your policy and you did write it, and it certainly looks like Westminster City Council is at least thinking about stopping you from standing up at the pub. Sadiq Khan was furious (about these “restrictive” and “anti-growth” policies), No 10 has threatened to get involved, and the council will likely be thwarted. And ye shall have your pint on the kerb of Frith Street come rain or shine.
Storm in a teacup, I suspect. But it is summer and we have to have something to argue about. In valiant defence of Soho (if the editor could stop reading here), I am leaving the office now for the French House – where you can drink half-pints and eat confit garlic on toast and calves’ brains. Though if in search of dinner, you must remember to make a reservation 49 business days in advance, a policy I suspect is also the work of Westminster Council.
But it does not inspire confidence in the heart to know that there will always exist a strata of curtain-twitching bores in British society – some of whom will even end up in positions of modest authority, with the capacity to draft policy about what time your Zone 1 pubs really ought to close. The hospitality industry is already battered and bruised, desperately in need of love and some money. And instead these architects of our social universe are met with offers for Sedentary Pints in Cumulative Impact Zones.
[Part II: Beer and Sandwiches: At the Coach & Horses in London]
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This article appears in the 20 Aug 2026 issue of the New Statesman, Summer Special
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Subscribe here to commentHaving lived in St Louis, MO., USA, from 1992-96 I disagree.
With all due respect, what aspect of the article do you disagree with? It doesn’t even seem to make an argument you could disagree with, just frame a discussion that’s been going on here in London – so it’s far from clear what you’re disagreeing with
‘For all the ink committed to that counterfactual history, there has been almost none spilled about what might have happened if the HR managers at a Midwestern (presumably US) paper factory marched on Berlin in 1945 instead.’ This paragraph makes a lot of false assumptions. First 50% or more of the Mid Westerners could have been of German origin and many may well have spoken fluent German. Second, Midwesterners can hold their beer and a lot more besides and that includes the HR managers!