Five foods that are definitely in crisis because my millennial family won’t eat them

My first hint that something might be wrong was when I offered my 21-year-old cousin Sarah an egg sandwich. 

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How many more industries will the millennials destroy before the rest of us say, “Stop! Enough!”. Every week it seems like another industry is in decline thanks to this cyber-generation, the latest crisis affecting mayonnaise. Diamonds, houses, video recorders, mayo – is there anything they won’t stop not buying in an attempt to undermine society and prop up Jeremy so-called Corbyn?!

To be honest, I’d foolishly thought that some of the stories about the damage millennial buying habits are having were a bit over-cooked, until I made the mistake of organising a family picnic, and discovered that maybe I was the one who had over-cooked!

1. Egg sandwiches

My first hint that something might be wrong was when I offered my 21-year-old cousin Sarah an egg sandwich. She declined. I asked if it was because she viewed the humble sandwich as a symbol of British imperialism? The same British imperialism that I assume she and her fellow millennial classmates are being taught is evil by her leftie university professors? Despite her claim that “she’d had eggs for breakfast”, I can’t help but wonder how long we have left before a bite of a simple sandwich will be enough to get you fired from directing a major motion picture.

2. Sausages

I then offered my 40-year-old millennial wife another British picnic classic: a cold sausage. She shook her head. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I begged her to eat one for Britain’s dying pork farmers. She pointed out that a) it was a bit weird that in ten years of marriage I hadn’t noticed that she was a vegetarian, and that b) she actually seemed to remember reading a report that sales of pork were up overall, albeit there had been a slight decline in sausage roll consumption. Like most of her generation, she believes everything she reads on Facebook.

3. Baked potatoes

I brought along some delicious baked potatoes for all to enjoy, but my nephew Paul wouldn’t eat one. “He’s a two-month-old baby!” shrieked his mother as I pushed the classic British lunch item towards his face. But I knew the truth: little Paul and his fellow mini-millennials, in their “gender neutral” babygrows, had already rejected the values that I hold dear – including baked potatoes! I immediately rang the UK potato marketing board to find out just how much devastation had been caused by this generation’s attitude: no one answered the phone, which surely speaks for itself.

4. Swiss rolls

Great-uncle Tony wouldn’t eat his Swiss roll. I even replaced the jam with meat paste just like him and his proto-millennial friends used to do during the war, I expect. The press office at Mr Kipling denies ever having filled a Swiss roll with beef: the politically correct have managed to erase another piece of this country’s proud past. I’m not saying everything was better back then, but you could eat cake full of reconstituted meat in your own house without someone from the council giving you a fine. Still, I’m sure “e-mail” is good as well.

5. Wheat flakes

As a special treat for my father, I managed to acquire a box of his favourite breakfast cereal, “Force” wheat flakes, from eBay. It’s no longer available in shops, because the brand’s mascot “Sunny Jim” is considered offensively male in 2018, a thing I just imagined in my head so I could get angry about it. Dad wouldn’t even eat one flake: I guess even he’d been convinced to boycott this once beloved brand.

Admittedly, as my mother gently attempted to point out, he wasn’t at the picnic, having been dead since 1997, but that is surely no excuse. Are these dead millennials really so lazy that they won’t cross the veil between worlds to prop up sales in these key industries? It makes me sick, and I will not rest until I have finished building a machine that will reverse time to when I was young and happy, then freeze the universe. Never again will the oldest millennial, the concept of change, get the better of me.

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