Everything you need to know about the Toy Story characters in the age of Trump

By 2016, Woody was feeling so threatened “as a white male” that he gave up his “gay” cowboy hat for a MAGA cap. 

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When Pixar released a teaser trailer for Toy Story 4 this week, a lot of questions about the franchise were left unanswered. Namely: in a franchise so grounded in Americana, how will the latest film – coming next summer – reflect the age of Trump? If we can’t look to a children’s film about sentient dolls for commentary on an America that has changed profoundly – and possibly irreparably – since the release of the first Toy Story in 1995, where can we look? To the FAILING New York Times? In the event that Toy Story 4 avoids references to The Hellscape, here’s the truth about what Woody, Buzz et al are up to these days.

Woody

Woody voted for Obama in 2008 but, by 2012, was disillusioned enough to vote for Mitt Romney. By 2016 he was feeling so threatened “as a white male” that he gave up his “gay” cowboy hat for a MAGA cap. He’s had his ring pull stock phrases changed to “GRAB ‘EM BY THE PUSSY” and “THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY PANTS”. Oh, and if you look at the sole of his boot that once had “Andy” written on it, it now says “Trump”.

Buzz Lightyear

2016 was the fateful year that Buzz discovered meal replacement powder. Most notably, Huel. By July that year he was drinking it by the gallon (which is especially harmful when you don’t have a digestive tract) and by September he was, in his own words, “cutting out the middle man”, by snorting it. In November he was far too firmly ensconced in rehab to vote. It’s unclear who he would have voted for, but he does spend most of his (now mercifully Huel-free) days on Twitter, begging Elon Musk to run for president. His “Musk or bust” t-shirt business is in administration.

Jessie

Citing something about “boundaries” and “narcissistic personality disorder”, Jessie broke things off with Buzz way before the Huel fiasco. She campaigned for Hillary in 2016. She now sells vegan leather cowboy boots and lives on a Hasbro “My First Ranch” with her wife, Bo Peep.

Mr Potato Head

Disappointed that Bernie Sanders didn’t get the Democratic nomination, Mr Potato Head voted for the Green Party’s Jill Stein in 2016. He now spends his days composing caps lock tweets about how things would be “JUST AS BAD if not WORSE” under Hillary. Mrs Potato Head is filing for divorce and now goes by her maiden name, which also happens to be Mrs Potato Head.

Slinky Dog

Living in Florida. Voted for “Harambe”.

Rex

Rex was spotted marching alongside the tiki torch-brandishing neo-Nazis in Charlottesville last year. It later transpired that he’d heard someone on CNN referring to the Unite the Right organisers as “dinosaurs” and had mistaken the rally for something else entirely.

Hamm the piggy bank

Ironically the most anti-capitalist of all, Hamm voted for the Socialism and Liberation Party in 2016. His tireless fight for toy rights is nothing short of heroic, although his “plastic lives matter” campaign has drawn a lot of criticism from the left and the right.

Terrifying Baby Head Toy

Rumoured to be dating Ann Coulter.

Bo Peep

As well as being married to Jessie, Bo Peep is now a yoga instructor, ASMR YouTuber and head of the American Federation of Bisexual Sheep Herder Dolls. She denies ever having been involved with Woody, who continues to text her pictures of his smooth, featureless crotch.

Eleanor Margolis is a freelance journalist.