The Archers
BBC Radio 4
It was all Kenton’s fault, I don’t doubt it. When Tom Archer dumped Kirsty in the vestry just moments before they were supposed to exchange vows (24 April, 7pm), it hadn’t been the Ribena spill on her dress that had tipped him, or that his ring had felt too suffocatingly tight when he tried it on in the shop, or even the ominously arty sound of rain on the Ambridge hedgerows the night before, as he agonised his way to Peggy’s house for advice. No, it was Kenton mentioning that on the wedding list Kirsty had specified a “floral teapot”. Which can only mean one thing to the British male: Cath Kidston. Little wonder Tom backed out! There’s nothing more terrifying than a world that starts with cherryade and ends with Brown Owl.
Kirsty’s dumping was met with the sort of howls from listeners that are usually confined to Japanese martial arts classes. I present one slack-jawed text message from my mother, sent seconds after the broadcast: “Who am I what am I where am I?” This was followed three hours later by: “Tom will top himself.”
Although the new editor of the show, Sean O’Connor, recently promised in an interview to deliver storylines that are “Shakespearean”, I confess that Perdita and Florizel in The Winter’s Tale were not the first things that sprung to mind during this particular nuptial meltdown. Kirsty’s cry, EastEnders-ishly relentless, rang down the pews and into Joe Grundy’s ears in a way that could only signal one thing: he was going to have to buy his own lunch at the Bull.
Annabelle Dowler, who plays Kirsty, then bravely took to Twitter for a live Q and A with fans and was soon fielding questions such as: “Who’s the greatest villain – Henry VIII or Tom Archer?” and “Can we . . . slowly burn [Tom] to a crisp like a sausage?” (“A bit harsh!” replied Dowler.)
“Were you not tempted to stray from the script and give Tom a jolly good slap around the face?” asked another. “Think that would have worked quite well on radio.” Dowler’s answer implied that, in truth, the actress was as miffed about this whole turn of events as everybody else. “It would have been a sound engineer doing it,” she wrote, “so I wouldn’t even have had the satisfaction myself!”
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