The Staggers 22 November 2011 Coming to a hospital near you: Andrew Lansley TV Patients must watch loop of Health Secretary unless they register with £5-a day TV system. Sign UpGet the New Statesman's Morning Call email. Sign-up Tweet Should you have the misfortune to be hospitalised you will now be greeted by a never-ending video of Andrew Lansley. The Health Secretary's face appears on bedside screens on a permanent North Korea-style loop, welcoming patients to hospital and asking them to thank NHS staff for looking after them. To turn Lansley off, patients must register under a pay-as-you-go system which sees them charged £5 a day to access television, email and phone services. Those who do not register are continuously greeted by the Health Secretary saying: Hello, I'm Andrew Lansley, the Health Secretary. I just want to take a few moments to say that your care while you're here in hospital really matters to me. I hope it's as good quality care as we can possibly make it and I do hope you'll join me in thanking all the staff who are looking after you while you're here. The Independent reported that "In some wards with multiple beds, the screens have the effect of a television showroom, with dozens of Lansleys staring down on the ill." One man who visited an elderly relative said: "It was eerie. Everywhere you looked there was Andrew Lansley. My mother-in-law had to keep topping up the machine just to escape him." Lansley defends hospital video loop (mp3) Lansley gamely appeared on the Today programme this morning to defend himself (you can listen to his appearance above) but his response was hilariously inept. He said that he wanted patients to have "as comfortable and as high quality a stay as possible" (a pledge that sits uncomfortably with Lansley TV) and to ensure that they thanked NHS staff. But shouldn't praise be voluntary? And what of those patients who suffer inadequate care? He pointed out that his predecessor, Andy Burnham, had appeared in a similar video but failed to explain why the government hadn't simply abandoned Secretary of State TV. In the meantime, ensure you avoid the fate of one of Lansley's constituents who lamented that his baby's "first experience of life" was to see the Health Secretary's face on a monitor. › My sense of humour failure over "woman on the left" George Eaton is senior online editor of the New Statesman. Subscribe For daily analysis & more political coverage from Westminster and beyond subscribe for just £1 per month!