Imagine if Alan Partridge tried to show off his feminist credentials. His response to Donald Trump’s horrendous “grab her by the pussy” comment, leaked earlier this month, would probably be something like, say, “I’d never grab a woman by her… part. If anything, I’d grab her by the brain.”
Which is probably why the real life “grab her by the brain” initiative that’s cropped up as a supposedly progressive response to grabbing women by their vaginas, Trump-style, is the most embarrassingly Partridge-esque feminist slogan ever devised.
I can see the reasoning behind “grab her by the brain” though. We have to grab women by something, right? Genitals? Big no-no. Bum? Bit degrading. Tits? Too Nineties. Chin? Weird. What’s the “empowering” thing to grab someone by? An internal organ protected by nearly a centimetre of skull. Obviously.
If you literally grabbed someone by the brain, of course, they’d probably die. The thing has the consistency of cream cheese. I’ve never actually touched one, but I just spoke to a doctor friend who has – and she’s confirmed this. It would go, “thlock,” and you’d be standing there with a fistful of brain, saying to yourself, “I don’t think I empowered this woman.”
So, health and safety speaking, I’d probably rather be grabbed by the fanny. Which is irrelevant though, because this is about grabbing someone by the brain metaphorically. You know. Seeing women for what they are: organs, but the smartest organ. I, for one, know that it’s what’s on the inside (literally) that counts, and find nothing hotter than a mouth-wateringly full frontal lobe. So full and…pouty…you just want to grab it. Like, “HURGHHHHH. COME TO ME YOU SQELCHY GLOB OF INTELLECT.” But, like I said, metaphorically. You know, if you’re not getting this I probably wouldn’t find you attractive.
For a mere $21 (around 70 of your post-Brexit quids, probably) though, go can get your brain-hungry hands on a genuine “grab her by the brain” baseball cap. Which, I’m guessing, is already a hit with the more sexist elements of the zombie community. So, by all means, if you want to look like an undead pervert, order your very reasonably-priced hat today.
Actor Gregg Sulkin did just that, and he even tweeted a picture of himself wearing the 100 per cent non-moronic… item… with the explanation, “Grab Her By The Brain is an initiative dedicated to empowering females of all ages.” Females. Thank you Gregg (did you know your name has “egg” in it?) Sulkin. I wasn’t aware that women are actually anonymous fauna specimens in jars.
Who knew that such a positive movement would come out of Donald Trump boasting about sexually assaulting women? “Grab Her By The Brain” has really served to highlight the importance of grabbing. Either that or it’s one of the finest examples ever of knee-jerk internet “makes you think”-ism. The exact kind expressed by international egg, Moby, in his new video where he tells us all to spend less time on our phones, man. I bet Moby knows you’re supposed to grab a woman by her brain.
Maybe we should just read “Grab Her By The Brain” as a cautionary tale about when feminism gets left to internet men. But, if one legitimately constructive thing is going to come out of this campaign, I hope it’s that we call a moratorium on our decade-long cultural obsession with the butt. Haven’t you heard? It’s all about brains now.
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