The problem with Dolce & Gabbana’s new “sorry we were homophobic” collection

Lame apology couture.

Can a bag be sarcastic? If so, Dolce & Gabbana have gone beyond the pale by creating a “sorry we were homophobic” collection that is nothing short of sardonic.

There isn’t a single life form on the planet that remembers that time, last year, Elton John announced he was boycotting D&G because of the designers’ bigoted remarks about the children of same-sex families being “synthetic”.

So, life forms, consider yourselves reminded. Nearly an entire year later, signori Dolce and Gabbana have paved the way in lame apology couture, churning out some bags and t-shirts embellished with cartoonish and thrilled gay people with children. And pets. Because, naturally, animals are family to The Gays.

If you’re wondering what goes with a #dgfamily (they even “rushed out a hashtag, bless them) “yay for homosexual marital bliss” t-shirt, I’d suggest two models dressed as inverted commas, who have to follow you everywhere. Seeing as the collection looks as though it was scribbled into existence in three minutes, by a seven-year-old hoping to win a trip to Alton Towers, it’s hard to tell whether the foot-chewing designers are supremely lazy, or just think people who buy their stuff are supremely thick.

After all, who is #dgfamily for? If the average buyer of a D&G handbag isn’t a forty-something straight woman, then I’m a Greggs sausage roll. And what does any given middle-aged straight woman want with a pair of badly-drawn hypothetical gay dads and their self-consciously multi-racial offspring on their bag? I’m not sure it even works as an ostentatious display of liberalism. It’s just too… surreal.

One #dgfamily t-shirt features a smiling gay guy couple – who look suspiciously like Dolce and Gabbana themselves surrounded by their three dogs and two cats (seriously, I can smell their imaginary house from here). This, the world’s most patronising top, could be yours for just £375. None of which, by the way, appears to be going to any gay-relevant charities. Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana are literally profiting from their own (self-loathing gay) prejudice. And since when did we have to pay hundreds of pounds to officially accept an apology? Did D&G just privatise apologising?

I’m guessing the birth of #dgfamily went something like this…

Gabbana: Hey, Dolce, let’s get a fuckload of money off the people we insulted last year by plastering some rubbish drawings of gay families all over bags and t-shirts and whatever.

Dolce: Gabbana, you evil genius. We could do a hashtag and everything.

[Sex ensues]

But maybe it’s just my untrained eye that sees this collection as a violent mess. Maybe I wouldn’t know a decent apology bag if I was lamped over the head with one. I’m sure Dom and Stef (who were careful to include a black child in one of their designs) have “Angelina Jolie Humanitarian of the Year” awards being flown to them by a strapping Pegasus as I write.

Well done, Dolce. Nice one, Gabbana. You both deserve all the apology money coming your way. And, as proof of my sincerity, perhaps I’ll have this article printed on a t-shirt and charge you £375 for it.

Eleanor Margolis is a freelance journalist.