Why are there no blue plaques for footballers? I mean those things on the front of a house, telling you that Stanley Matthews once lived here, or Bobby Charlton, or Pele. If the National Trust can buy Paul McCartney's old house in Liverpool and open it for the world to come and gape, I don't see why it can't be done for famous footballers. These days, they are just as likely to have a world following.
I've agreed to give a National Trust lecture next month, I do like to help, and I'd planned to suggest to their big bosses that there's a little house in Hayes they might consider buying, the home where the infant Glenn first hoddled. They could organise tours, give the world a chance to see the ball of wool his mother used to roll up for him as his first football. Or the wall on the outside privy where he played head tennis. Or the back kitchen door where that first scout from Tottenham skulked, his pocket full of tenners. Or the mirror Glenn first stood in front of, pulling up his shorts, really, really tight, to show off his lovely creamy thighs. Or the bathroom where he had his first truly meaningful one-to-one spiritual experience.
Alas, I now don't think the Hoddle home is going to get a blue plaque. Which is a shame. I'd go, like a shot, as I love looking round the home of anyone famous.
Over the years, I've looked at scores of literary homes, from Wordsworth's Dove Cottage to Robert Louis Stevenson's Valima on Samoa, and masses of homes where artists once lived, from Beatrix Potter's Hill Top to Charles Rennie Mackintosh's Glasgow home, OK that was a repro, but I've never managed to get inside the birthplace of even one famous footballer.
Which explains why ten days ago I forced my wife to go with me to Desirade. That's a little island, about five miles off the coast of Guadeloupe, which is in the French West Indies, yes, thousands of miles away, but we did happen to be on Guadeloupe at the time, which was handy.
One of the interesting things about France's World Cup winning team was the lack of Frenchmen, true Frenchmen, with blue eyes, wearing berets and a string of onions round their necks. I didn't notice many of them. What we all noticed was the large number of North Africans, such as Zidane, or black Africans, such as Desailly, or West Indians, such as Thierry Henry and Lilian Thuram.The latter two both originated from Guadeloupe, one of two French departments in the West Indies, the other being Martinique. Guadeloupe itself only has a population of 300,000, so it's done well to produce two World Cup stars. Bernard Lambourde of Chelsea is also from Guadeloupe - yet the island hasn't even got a professional football league.
But it was when I was told that Thierry Henry's family was from Desirade, an island so small and isolated I couldn't find it on the map, I said come on, lass, let's go and have a butcher's. Plus someone in the hotel we were staying at mentioned there was a special offer on boat trips to Desirade - only 100 francs round trip as opposed to the normal 150 francs.
I soon discovered why. We were hardly at sea when the young Frenchwoman beside me started throwing up. The waves were enormous and the little boat was taking a pounding. The island has a population of just 1,600 and is only eight miles long, which I know because we walked it, from end to end, in 24 hours. (Our walking rate is three miles an hour.) It is in a time warp, and appeared totally asleep, not to say dead, so it was hard to find anyone to ask the way to the house where the Henry family lived. Or even anyone who had heard of him. That's because I kept on stopping people from French France, middle-class tourists from Paris. The other interesting thing about French football, despite their famous win, is that they are still hardly a football-mad nation, not compared with Italy. "I only follow rugby," said one man. "I only follow games played by French people," said another.
But in a bar at the far end of the island I did meet a local who told me that Henry's family home was in Grande Anse, the little harbour where the boat came in, so we walked back there. No we didn't. Hold on. We got a taxi. It was midday by then and I was knackered, what with the sun and the ti punches. That's what they call the favourite rum punch drink in Guadeloupe. Can you guess why?
Back in Grande Anse, I did eventually have the Henry home pointed out to me, or what purported to be his family's home, it looked like most of the other shacks, but his parents have long since gone. Where to? I asked. Monaco, I was told. They went with him when he went to play in Monte Carlo. Isn't that nice? I like it when lads who do well look after their old folks. Juninho did the same when he came to Middlesbrough, bringing his mum and dad, sisters and aunties and second cousins with him from Brazil.
Leaving Desirade must have been a lot easier. OK for a day trip, and we did enjoy it, but there are clearly a lot more mod cons and facilities in Monte Carlo than in Grande Anse. Or in Turin. Henry has now been transferred to Juventus, news of which had not then reached Desirade, which shows how out of touch they are.
Desirade hasn't even got a football pitch, and I looked everywhere, which makes Henry's success all the more remarkable, but I can vouch for the local ti punch.I had another, before we got the boat home. And I wasn't sick, either. Ti, by the way, is Creole, a shortened form of Petit. So what you are ordering is a small punch. So called, I like to think, in honour of the Arsenal midfield star. Famous footballers may not have many blue plaques, but it's nice to know that one of them has got a drink named after him.